Still Up

But will soon wake in the world of dreams. Hold on tight.

Night's Watch

Woke up in the middle of the night. Again. This kind of thing has been happening recurrently in the past weeks. I wonder if this has to do with all the after-office time I have, or the brewing stress at work this week (thank goodness it's this week only), or the premature stoppage of that clandestine meeting last night. But whatever it was, it's keeping me up and dreary. And I bet lethargic the rest of the day. Argh. Great. Just great. Why does this need to happen on the day I have to accomplish a lot?

Hay, life.

Tonight

Here, I lie. Snuggled under the blankets of cold nights. Pondering over the wonders of my life. Seething with the joy of content, of fulfillment of dreams long unanswered.

I have braved the cascades of incidents, and triumphed over the vicissitudes of the undefined. And the less stable.

I have etched a niche in the world. I have defined myself. Work, accomplishments, love. Most of all love. I challenged the odds and ended up not moving the mountainous circumstances, but finding the delicate softness of intimacy.

Right here, under these blankets, I found what I craved for, what everyone longs for. I searched, and was found. And I have never let go.

Yes, under the unblinking stars, amidst the soothing winds tonight, I lie.

And I wish to stop.

Turning 30

Almost three decades.

Hardly the first time this happens to anyone in the world. Countless of people have passed through the threshold. Some faced it like a scared cat lost in the woods. Some, like a stallion charging to the sunset.

Question is, how will I?

I've been thinking about my thirtieth naming day since I was 24—my age when I stopped counting the years. That time, anyone anywhere near their third decade was ancient. Their age, and their lives, not worth a single thought as those were mere happenstance in a very very far future.

Now, I'm there. Almost, at least. And unlike the cat, I know I'm not lost. But unlike the stallion, I couldn't quite gallop away.

I'm almost 30. I'm a lawyer. I have no love life for the last year, or so. I'm a government employee, and I have had several jobs already.

What sense is there to this kind of life? To my life? I'm afraid. I'm excited. I'm anxious. I'm relieved. I don't know what to think and I don't know what to do.

I'm turning 30 for crying out loud!

Scrambled Thoughts 2

"FROM NOW TO FOREVER AND A DAY"

Love changes us in more ways than we can remember. It rearranges our life so much we can't help but notice how different a person we are after. Love makes us do many things we don't normally do, and it teaches us to learn from many mistakes we commit. But most of all, love makes us grow and turn into better persons.

That is why it is heartbreaking when we lose a loved one. It becomes unbearable more so, when that someone passes away.

Almost three years ago, a friend's love died of pneumonia. He was young, early 30's. I couldn't even begin to imagine the feeling the family members, and my friend, felt at that time. I couldn't even begin to know how to cope up with that kind of situation.

One thing's for sure though, I was confronted with mortality as strongly as the walls behind me are. Mortality. Life and death. More often than not, we take it for granted.  I take it for granted. We live as if we'll live until forever. We live as if there's always another day to make good on our broken promises, and unsolved dreams. 

But sometimes, just sometimes, when reminded of the people around us who we already lost, we take a pause. Most of the times, a very long pause. And a little thought crosses our minds, they really are gone, and we're never gonna see them. Ever again.

And then we realize, all we have left are the memories we have had with them, some pictures, snap shots, of those few happy times we spent with them. Smiling happy faces amidst the backdrop of an unforgettable place that we will soon forget.

And as time continues, as our lives continue, we realize that those precious memories soon fade, those wonderful moments we spent together soon diffuse into the dark corners of our memories.

Until all we have left is the impression of love.

And how it changed us and rearranged our lives. To become better persons that we are now. Such that, even years after our loved ones have left, who they left, the person that we eventually became, will stay and mark their impression on the courses of our lives.

And we can say, then, we truly have loved.

From now to forever and a day.

---

"No Love, No Friendship, can ever cross our paths, without affecting us in some ways, forever." -Quote from a Youth Encounter.

Scrambled Thoughts

In this dim corner of my room, I lay awake, thinking. There's just too much that happened this week that kept me from resting, things that should have made me break, but curiously still didn't. Enough things though to make me wonder, at least, what has this life in store for me.

For years, I have defined my life in terms of school and love; then thereafter, work and love. Yet now, many many years after, I find myself lost in definition. Who am I really? And why are these things happening to me?

Much of it I now blame on the blood that courses through my veins. Am I like my progenitors more than I would care to admit? Are my genes dictating the course of my entire life?

I don't want to. At least, I didn't want to. But the unfolding of events in the recent years reveal a pattern too defined to be ignored. The constant search for stability ironically bred an instability not even I could now justify.

And I haven't even cried. Yet.

Only the closest around me, save for one, was privy to the burden I am now trying to overcome. And, I think, I haven't let it all out yet. Thus, I'm scared. To move on, to continue my daily life. For fear of a sudden unexpected outburst. For fear of doing what I have always done before. Again.

I need anchorage. I need to be grounded.

And right now, I have nothing that keeps me from getting adrift. I'm not free, I'm just lost.

And I need something to hold on to. I need someone to hold on to.

And I need them now.

Never Mine

(Repost from a friend's blog.)

"So will you be mine?" I asked him. With a smirk, he didn't speak for a while.

"Fine, I won't sleep with anyone, and I won't use Grindr," he said, as if to make a concession in exchange for a little bit more time to think about his answer.

And then I laughed. Gotcha, I thought. Whoever said the art of manipulation cannot be used to one of UP's top debaters? Haha.

I never imagined he'll let me tie the knot this early in our relationship, or the lack of it. But I always somehow believed I can still make him do what I want.

Even if I have no assurances. Even if he can never be sure himself.

---

"I'm a jerk," is what he always says. That's how he has been with all of them before. That's how he has been with other friends he slept with before.

Anyone in his right mind would keep clear given a warning as clear as that. Fair warning, I asked. Caveat emptor, he replied.

Yet somehow, despite that, I'm still here. Part of it is because of the challenge of changing this person into a good man which I know he could be. Part of it is because I like him. And I like knowing he likes me, too.

Like that time when I have seen how he looked at me. Puppy eyes I called it, but, deep in our minds, we both knew what it meant. What it really meant.

It was his eyes, glistening and shining at the same time, focusing on me and me alone; as if he's saying, I'm seeing you again for the first time. As if to say something changed, and now, I like you to be mine.

---

But the words never came out, the thoughts were never said.

And now, I'm in limbo. Mind's full of conjectures, and of uncertainties.

Save for the fact that I like him.

And that…

---

He may never be mine.

Repost

I wrote the entry below almost two years ago. And I think, I'm in this stage again now. It's funny how so much in me has changed, and yet, so much of what I felt before I'm feeling again now. Melancholy does have its way of seeping in in our lives. And at times, in the most inopportune moments, we break. And we grasp at straws for any sense of explanation to keep us afloat.

These are the moments I hope would

never

come back.

---

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Eight Months

Because I missed partying tonight due to some circumstances beyond my control, melancholy kicked in--or more precisely, the feeling of longing for someone to hold and be with re-surfaced. While surfing the net and hanging out in my usual sites, I remembered the feeling of having someone to converse with during these lonely times. I remembered the feeling of sharing one's life with someone else, and then growing in the process.

More than anything else, it's that connection to someone that keeps me looking back.

I've been single for a few months now. Eight months to be exact. The longest time that I have been single since I was 20. Six years do pass by swiftly, and sometimes, when one gets used to routines all those years, it's hard not to miss it. The comfortable feeling almost always has its way of creeping back to your consciousness.

No matter how much you tell yourself you already changed.

You realize, some things just keep on coming back.

Growing up

I think I'm growing up.

Just came from one of the bars I frequent, and somehow, it's not the same for me anymore. The young kids that usually kept me on my toes do not have the same effect anymore. If anything, what I felt was annoyance. Annoyance at how these kids act, and annoyance at how immature I see them to be.

Somehow, in between my busy work the past weeks, and the lack of a significant other for a couple of months now, I think I lost myself. Or more accurately, I lost my new me and just rediscovered my old self.

One who looks for someone stable. One who goes for something that will last longer.

That, or it was just a lousy night.

I think I'm hoping it's the latter.

Careless Nights (Prelude)

I haven't written anything substantial in a while, and the succeeding entries are no different. Nothing has been happening lately, nothing substantial at least. 

What I do have, however, is endless work, and a patch of endless encounters in between. Whole days devoted to ardent lawyering, and nights consumed by mindless meetings.

These entries are about the latter, the many people I have shared my encounters with, and those careless nights that seemed to have lasted for eternity.

Hold on tight.

A Prelude to Goodbye II

I saw your pictures today. And I remembered why I loved you.

It's not so much as how you look now. It's more of how I remembered how I looked at you when we were still together. It seems like it's been ages, that last time I looked at you. But I still remember it clearly. How I looked at you one last time, how you turned your back, and walked away. Away from the place we shared one month with, away from me.

And I never really got over it. I never really got over you.

I hope wherever you are, you are happy. I hope whatever you do, you find meaning in life. I hope whoever you meet, you'll remember me.

Because I will always be here. Looking at your pictures. And remembering.

Sana bumalik ka na.

A Prelude to Goodbye I

I haven't talked to you for a while now. Sure we kept in touch; an email here and there, a simple chat once in a while. But it's been ages since I heard your voice. It's been too long since I last saw your smile, your sweet smile. Honestly, I don't even remember the warmth of your embrace, and the feeling of content as we snuggle the whole night. I wish you're back here with me now. I wish you never left.

Because no matter where I go, no matter what I have been doing, there comes a time when I think of you. And what we could have been. Together.

But the wind kept on blowing and my memories of you kept on fading. I am afraid that someday, all I will have left is a vague recollection of that wonderful month we spent together; that month when, like children lost in a world of wonders, like newly-weds dazzled by the evening moon, we shared our lives. We opened ourselves.

As time passes by, and as we close ourselves to what we have been the past months, I fondly reminisce how you brought joy back in my life, how you showed me how it is to be loved again. And though I slowly lose all these to the constraints of time, there will always be something that I will always remember. I love you.

And I will never ever forget it.

Should I?

I suppose I know that this is the right thing to do. With all that's going on (or the lack of things going on), I suppose the only path for me is the path that I have always taken. Yeah, it wouldn't change my situation, but it would definitely make my life simpler. More boring, of course, but a lot less complicated. The days of mindless and emotionless encounters are finally over. Now, the crucial and more difficult part begins: extrication. Or more accurately, formalization of extrication. I know a tiny speck of glimmer is still tucked somewhere at the bottom of my heart, but practicality suggests I do this. Para sa pananatili ng nakalipas. Para sa ikapapanatag ng lahat.

I'm scared.

Two more

Just when I pledged not to do it anymore, two more happened. Just one night apart, I engaged in that which I shouldn't have. That which I figure would ruin my sense of self eventually. I'm scared. The very few exceptions to my rule are slowly becoming the norm, the standard by which I will have to describe my take on relationships. And it's bad. That kind where one can justify all he wants but would inevitably have to realize the fruitlessness of his struggle: It is wrong, and no amount of explanations will make it right.

Unless I do that one act that could make it all alright. An act that would hurt someone. Someone I dearly love.

I dunno what to do.

Torn

I couldn't live like this anymore. This has to stop. And for that to happen, I have to leave. I have to detach myself so that I could gravitate to what I really need. This game has gone on for far too long. I couldn't survive another tearing of the soul.

It is time.

Long Distances

Suddenly, I feel like I'm alone all over again. The many fleeting attention thrown at me the past few weeks by different people, the many flattery that I absolutely enjoyed, are now gone. Not that these people discontinued their innuendos. They didn't. But I don't feel it anymore. I don't feel them anymore. I suppose it's me telling myself that the moments of harmless flirtations have already passed me by, and I am, once more, looking for the stability of a relationship that I have always been in. 

Fine, I am technically in a relationship now, but then again, the person I am in a relationship with is miles and miles away from me. As I have always suspected, modern technology, in all its wonders these days, could not help me in this situation. Just as it hadn't when I was away from Los Banos. It simply boils down to the simple fact that I am in a relationship not to spend every waking hour without the person beside me. Rather, I am in a relationship to establish an actual relationship, a real communion and a sharing of oneself with someone who will do the same. And time and again, this has been proven to be very difficult, if not downright impossible, when the two people communing is far apart. How could there be union when there is no actual union? 

Before I go on, lest I be misunderstood, it is not the physical intimacy alone that I long for, though it is of course a major consideration. More than that, it is the sharing of myself to that someone, the thrill of introducing my ways to that person, the complexity of trying to get another person's entirety, to understand his/her different thought process and insight, that's what's being in a relationship is all about for me. It is me growing, learning, and becoming, with the other person, and the other person with me. There is only so much that Skype and the internet could do. Aside from the fact that the first half of a couple's conversation centers around the mundane things that happened to each of their lives, the depth of the conversation never goes deeper. Unlike a conversation that a couple might have, say, in a coffee shop after a sumptuous meal. Or unlike the many universal realities that both may discover while cuddling in bed, post coital (or not). 

The point is, there is so much missed when there is actual physical distance between two persons that are supposedly in a relationship. The point is, there seldom is growth, if any, when two people are apart. What they do have is an establishment of their own daily lives, separate from each other. Call me a hopeless romantic if you will, but I do see the joy in knowing what little quirks or pet peeves the other person may have. I do become delighted when I get to reach the same conclusion as the other person on any given matter, not because we were able to talk about it beforehand, but because I am well-versed with the other person's thought process that it becomes inevitable that I anticipate where the other person is leading to. 

And this is what I sorely miss. Right now, I am in a limbo of some sorts. I have given my heart to someone. Yet I could not establish a relationship with the same person, that person being hundreds of miles away. At the same time, I could meet other people, yes, but I could never establish any relationship with them other than mere physical contact, because emotionally, I am with someone else. That leaves me to a dichotomous situation where my physical self becomes intimate with others whereas my emotional self is with someone else. It tears me apart. It confuses me to no end.

And it begs the question, do I need to give up on my relationship, and, with the help of everything good, try to find another person who could give me all that I need?

Or do I continue being in this relationship and risk taking that little (if at all) chance of growth?

I love that person, I do. But how long could I take before everything I am made of, before all good that I know I am, is shredded into pieces because of our situation? I think I am afraid to find out. Because at the end of everything, it is I and only I who will be on the losing end.

And I don't want to be alone.

The Great O

I wrote this entry eons ago. And I suppose it's still worth sharing.

You were absolutely right. People that come across your path fall for you. Instantly. I said the same thing about me, but it looks like it's only you who said the real thing. I know I have left quite an impression. Yep, I always do. But impressions or not, I'm the one who's here longing for seconds. And thirds. Probably months. Or even years. I couldn't help it. The way your eyes sparkled when you looked at me, or the way you swooned after our kiss, I suppose I missed that. And it haunts me. Are you feeling the same way? Or am I just making a fool out of me, seeing something that is not really there? Is it taking all your will not to send me a text or a message, just as it is taking all of mine? Aren't you just a bit curious of what could be, or are you so admiringly grounded enough on reality that such a ridiculous thought never crossed your mind?

Never wear your heart out on your sleeves. That's what I always tell my best friend. So now, I'm doing all that I can to tuck my heart back in. And by writing about this, I suppose I'm not doing much of a good job, am I? But that's only because I wonder how it would be like if we were under different circumstances; if we weren't who we are now. But then again, would we have found each other?

You found me. You did. But now, it is I who can't lose you. You were absolutely right. I was trapped in an instant.

I just hope I was right too. And that you're on your way to figuring that out.

On writing

I miss those times when writing was easy. When inspiration flowed straight from the source to my computer screen. I miss owning the time I spend each day, and putting into words my thoughts and feelings. I miss the safety I get from documenting my life story. For the times when I am down. For the times when I need guidance and help.

And so, this long pause in writing scares me to pieces. 

The first half of this year so far has been all about me and my travels. I enjoyed the beach early on this year, one after another. But I have written zilch about it. I have enjoyed the waves and the salty breeze, but my laptop has never heard of it. Half the year is gone, and I am as dark as ever, but I haven't spent a single word to brag about what I've been through.

It is also my first time out of the country this year, and, yes, I have not blogged about what I experienced. Long have I imagined leaving the Philippine islands for somewhere outside my own little world. I used to see myself jumping up and about for joy during the airplane ride, and literally gawking on the new land upon landing. To some extent, I did all those things this year, and for some frightening reason, I have never had the mojo to write about it.

I also did make some major life decisions this year. Both in my love life and in my work life. When I reviewed my blog all these months, I realized that, in prior years, around the time when I made the same decisions about me and my life, my blog was filled with insights, doubts, thoughts, anger, frustration, joy, and relief. Now, it is as if these major events didn't happen, and I never felt all these emotions.

I have never felt such a disconnect with me and my blog ever before. I have always, always relied on my writing to keep me grounded. To remind me of obscure memories I have long forgotten. To keep me and my friends in sync even if we never get to see each other.

That's why I miss writing. That's why I need writing.

And I better do something. Soon.

A Brighter Future

Sometimes, when melancholy grips you, it grips you like it's the end of the world. Sometimes, when you think of the good things you've lost, you lose the reason and the sense why you lost the good things in the first place. All is left in the realm of conjecture, of the what ifs.

Until you focus and try to remember the well-thought of logic behind the actions. Until the associated aches and stress once more comes to fore.

Then you begin the process again. You filter out the what ifs, and hold on to the facts. Cold and hard. Like a splash of cold water in a sleeping facade.

So you realize the eventuality. The reality. And the future.

Which should start in the now. Right here. At this moment. To forget the less worthy lessons of the past, and to continue the legacy of the right.

By then, you will have realized how the world works. How it moves on despite the seemingly insurmountable suffering. And that as a result thereof, you are a better person.

And it's a brighter future.

Twisted

Passing by the City of Tagbilaran in Bohol reminded me so much of my hometown. The way I used to see it. In the eyes of a child taking everyting in, acknowledging every wonder that each story brings.

I have often told myself, I'm never going back to San Pablo. I can't work in the suburbs when the whole city is waiting for me to seize every moment. But somehow, being in a place free from the noise pollution, free from neon lights that obstruct our vision of the stars, somehow, being here makes me rethink my decisions.

Perhaps, I do need to return to San Pablo. If only to quiet my restless soul. If only to find myself once more.

Perhaps, Bohol is there to unknot my twisted soul. So that, once and for all, I'll see the path where I need to go.

Beej

Sa bawat pag-ikot ng ating buhay
May oras na tayo'y kailangang maghiwalay
Puso'y lumaban man, walang magagawa
Saan pa, kailan ka muling mahahagkan

Kulang man sa 'tin itong sandali
Alam ko na tayo'y magkikitang muli
Hangga't may pag-asa pa na haharapin
Ikaw lang ang mamahalin

Puso'y lumaban man walang magagawa
Saan pa, kailan ka muling mahahagkan

Kulang man sa 'tin itong sandali
Alam ko na tayo'y magkikitang muli
Hangga't may umaga pa na haharapin
Ikaw lang ang mamahalin

---

Dumating ka nung kailangang-kailangan kita. Dumating ka para muling ipakita sakin kung gaano katamis ang magmahal at ang mahalin nang buong buo. Yung pagmamahal na hindi namimili ng panahon at pagkakataon. Yung hindi nagsasawa at nagsisinungaling.

Ngayong kinailangan mong umalis, nangangako ako: hihintayin kita. Hanggang sa panahong gusto mo akong uwian, mananatiling nandito ako.

Kulang man sa 'tin ang mga sandaling nagkasama tayo, alam ko, hangga't mahal mo ako,

ikaw lang ang aking mamahalin.

Re-post

31 January 2010 10:02 am

---

...I have often wondered how it will be if I didn't choose this life with that someone. Will I be happier? More fulfilled with my life? Will I have more friends?

[Yes.]

These are questions that are all subsumed in the realm of conjecture. All that I will have no way of knowing. That is,

until I break free.

Totally. Completely.

[I have.]

That kind when I could look back at all these and laugh at how consumed I was with how I felt. That kind when I would neither feel hurt nor bitterness. That kind when I would already be with someone else.

[I am.]

But I haven't reached that stage. And I could not see how I could in the near future. And so, I'm here.

Waiting. And waiting. And waiting

Sana may dumating na.

I am in that stage. At may dumating na.

Sana lang, sya na.

It's a brand new day and a brand new life. And for the first time in months, I am happy. Maraming salamat sa pagdating mo, B. ;p

Paparating ka na ba?

"Did you even consider marrying me?" he asked.

She answered, "Of course, I did. But someday, when you ask a girl to marry her, you don't want her to consider. You'd want her to know."

I don't know if I'd ever go as far as ask anyone to marry me. But I do know, in the deepest confines of my heart, I will ask someone to be with me forever. And when I do that, I would want that person to know. I would want that person to be sure. To be with me and me alone. To give me the most precious of gifts, that someone's heart.

And so now, I consider every person I meet as someone to whom I might eventually ask the question,

"Will you spend the rest of your life with me?"

It gives me shivers just thinking about it. To think of someone staying for good. Someone with whom I will share my most intimate thoughts. Without judgment nor fear of being rejected. One who will not think less of me in my most embarrassing moments. One who will love me for all of me.

Will there ever be such a person? Paparating na ba sya?

When I was small, I have often wondered how my life will turn out in my late twenties. Back then, I had no idea who I will be now, what kind of person I would have eventually become, what part of this play shall I own up to. Now, almost two decades thereafter, I still ask the same questions. Only this time, the query doesn't stop with me. It reaches beyond myself to the someone I will spend the rest of my life with. Someone who will help me shape the kind of person I will be in the next 30 years of my life. Someone for whom I will ask the question,

"Will you spend the rest of your life with me?"

And someone, who will, without doubt nor hesitation, irrevocably say, "Yes, and I want you to know that."

Paparating ka na ba?

Defying Gravity

I think I'm taking that leap. It's time to defy gravity.

---

Defying Gravity

Something has changed within me 

Something is not the same 

I'm through with playing by the rules 

Of someone else's game 

Too late for second-guessing 

Too late to go back to sleep 

It's time to trust my instincts 

Close my eyes: and leap! 

It's time to try 

Defying gravity 

I think I'll try 

Defying gravity 

Kiss me goodbye 

I am defying gravity 

And you wont bring me down! 

I'm through accepting limits 

''cause someone says they're so 

Some things I cannot change 

But till I try, I'll never know! 

Too long I've been afraid of 

Losing love I guess I've lost 

Well, if that's love 

It comes at much too high a cost! 

I'd sooner buy 

Defying gravity 

Kiss me goodbye 

I'm defying gravity 

I think I'll try 

Defying gravity 

And you wont bring me down! 

I'd sooner buy 

Defying gravity 

Kiss me goodbye 

I'm defying gravity 

I think I'll try 

Defying gravity 

And you won't bring me down! 

bring me down! 

ohh ohhh ohhhh!

Madness

There is madness in deleting memories. Especially if it were a person’s memory you’re deleting. Worse, if it were someone special’s memory you’re forgetting.

It flashes quite distinctly every so often, the glimpses of the past. On the way to the trash, it comes to fore. Looming over your eyes, threatening with a resounding echo of what you’re about to lose.

Until it disappears. With the conscious effort of not remembering. Leaving the pain behind, convincing disillusion on the happiness. Suddenly, what once was, is no longer.

There is madness in deleting memories.

And sometimes, it has to be done.

Waiting

Last week, when I wrote this entry, seemed so long ago. Nothing and everything has changed since then. I suppose this is the fate that has always been written for me. I just didn't want to accept it. Now, I have to.

It's just that, sometimes, it is difficult to imagine life more cruel than this.

---

So I'm here in PGH, waiting, again. I have often wondered how it will be if I didn't choose this life with that someone. Will I be happier? More fulfilled with my life? Will I have more friends? These are questions that are all subsumed in the realm of conjecture. All that I will have no way of knowing. That is,

until I break free.

Totally. Completely.

That kind when I could look back at all these and laugh at how consumed I was with how I felt. That kind when I would neither feel hurt nor bitterness. That kind when I would already be with someone else.

But I haven't reached that stage. And I could not see how I could in the near future. And so, I'm here.

Waiting. And waiting. And waiting.

Sana may dumating na.