Scrambled Thoughts

In this dim corner of my room, I lay awake, thinking. There's just too much that happened this week that kept me from resting, things that should have made me break, but curiously still didn't. Enough things though to make me wonder, at least, what has this life in store for me.

For years, I have defined my life in terms of school and love; then thereafter, work and love. Yet now, many many years after, I find myself lost in definition. Who am I really? And why are these things happening to me?

Much of it I now blame on the blood that courses through my veins. Am I like my progenitors more than I would care to admit? Are my genes dictating the course of my entire life?

I don't want to. At least, I didn't want to. But the unfolding of events in the recent years reveal a pattern too defined to be ignored. The constant search for stability ironically bred an instability not even I could now justify.

And I haven't even cried. Yet.

Only the closest around me, save for one, was privy to the burden I am now trying to overcome. And, I think, I haven't let it all out yet. Thus, I'm scared. To move on, to continue my daily life. For fear of a sudden unexpected outburst. For fear of doing what I have always done before. Again.

I need anchorage. I need to be grounded.

And right now, I have nothing that keeps me from getting adrift. I'm not free, I'm just lost.

And I need something to hold on to. I need someone to hold on to.

And I need them now.