Coming home

Whenever life seems to get the best of me, when I feel alone and depressed, when nothing seems to go the way I wished they would be, I come home. I return to the place that, in the early years of my young life, gave me solace, gave me peace, comfort. I return to that big old house, in that small dingy room, where I spent most of my youth, where I read most of my pocket books, where I discovered and began to love myself, where I first learned how to pray. Yes, it has not always been happy, it has not always been quiet, but it has always been home. It is one of the few things that remain constant in my ever changing life, it is one of the few places where I feel grounded and definite in my worth.

People around me always say, keep away from falling in love with the idea of falling in love. True. But easier said than done. When you have experienced what true love is, when you have felt the warmth of real compassion, when you have enjoyed the beauty and growth of true companionship, it is hard not to try to find it again. When you know you have so much love to give, when you feel you have so much to offer, it is difficult to contain it within you. You must give it away, allow somebody to feel that love you have, let them experience and bask in the glory of knowing that no matter what happens, somebody will always be there to have their backs, that they will always have someone to count on.

But life is not always kind. Or more properly, love is not always kind.

I have tried to bare myself to people continuously, repeatedly, but to no avail. I didn’t realize that love unspent is just as difficult as love spent and lost. The overflowing of emotions pent up inside without any other person to whom it is directed leaks like water under the tub. It slowly trickles and empties away. I am afraid that when the day comes, when the right one arrives, I’d be empty inside, drained by the years (or weeks) of fruitless love.

That is why I need to return home. Again. I need to recharge. I need strength. I need to reconnect to that place where I can be alone, to think, in peace. I need that solace, that sanctuary to set my life in order, so when I return, I return with new and renewed conviction. Ready to face life once more.

Until that time when I shall need to, again, come home.