Today, for the first time since the season began, I felt Christmas. There, in the cool mountain tops of Antipolo church, where the vaguest and the fondest of my childhood memories were piqued by seeing the church again, I finally realized the reason for the season.
And I am so excited to go home.
Merry Christmas everyone. ;p
After what seemed like forever, I have finally finally dragged myself to a massage place to break those nodules and release the long brewing stress. I swear, the first few touches of the masseuse felt like heaven. It gave me chills I never wanted to end. Plus, I was there for more than an hour! That was one long relaxing massage. I couldn't believe I waited for a break from work before I finally gave in to what I was craving for since work started piling up.
I just literally felt all the stress leaving my body, stress from work, from the love life, from the commencing social life.
Sana this signifies the beginning of a relaxing break. So that I can find meaning in the season.
As we all should.
The day is done. At least for now. It's time to rest my mind and body to recharge for an even more hectic day ahead. Nothing productive will come out now. I have pushed my limits for the day. Tomorrow, I will finish the work that should already have been finished. I can't breathe words anymore, at least not this time of the night. So, I gotta sleep. Rest my soul and be in a land where no boss can dictate the pace of my life, where no rules are in existence other than my own.
I have to finish my memorandum, but I gotta clear my memory off of it first.
So I rest for the night. Good night, world. And see you again tomorrow.
Because I updated my blog today, I got curious how far I've come since I started blogging. This particular site has been with me since 2007, but I have been blogging in blogspot since March, 2004. Man, that's almost 6 years ago. I'm getting old.
And none the wiser.
I see I've been having the same dilemma about love every time I'm single. I experience the same thrills during my weekly night outs. I don't dread recitations in law school anymore, but I do still complain about work and the necessary hazards thereof.
It makes me wonder, do people really change? Or do they just revert to the same old routine when faced with the same old problems? We could be stronger, perhaps, but does the repetition of life's challenges somehow make us settle back to the same old persons that we were when we dealt with them in the past?
Yes, I am indeed the same man. A lot of years older but still the same person at the very core.
And I wonder if that's any good.
Hmm...
You know that feeling when someone you used to know really well just all of a sudden seems like a stranger? The eyes that you so lovingly looked at for nights on end suddenly become unrecognizable? The smile that warmed your heart every time lost its flame, and in its stead appears no more than lips curled up on a stranger's face?
Suddenly, the face that you have lovingly memorized becomes a face that you cannot place in your memory. Non-recognition replaces recognition, strangeness edges familiarity. And the person that you used to love
disappears.
And then you realize, you are leaving that person behind. And the future will serve only to further blur your memory of that person. Until in time, the person completely fades away--even in your memory.
At that time, all that will be left are glimpses. Of your lives together, of the time you spent together. But nothing more. That person will cease to be a part of your consciousness.
And indifference replaces love.
Where you will come full circle.
You begin again where you started. Wiser and older, yes, but still where you began ages ago.
Only this time, it's another person. And it's another you.
Welcome back to the roller coaster ride, everyone.
Ang tagal na ng college. Ang tagal na rin nung simula kong isipin kung darating ba yung panahon na bibilangin ko sa aking mga daliri ang mga naging ex ko. Si K, si C, si M, at ang pinakahuli, si M. Hmm, apat na. At ngayon, papunta na ako sa ika-lima. Nakatatakot. Ilan pa kaya ang bibilangin ko bago ako tumigil? Ilan pa kaya ang mamahalin ko bago ako lumagay sa tahimik?
Ilang beses na kami nag-usap ng mga kaibigan ko, handa na ba kaming makita "sya" at bumuo ng kani-kaniyang pamilya. Merong nakatagpo na, kasal na lang ang hinihintay. Meron din namang walang balak pa at ni hindi pa makita ang kanyang sarili na titigil sa mga ginagawa nya para magpatali na. At syempre, meron din namang katulad ko, na matapos ang isang malaking buntunghininga ay nagsabi na, "Oo, handa na ako. At hinahanap ko sya."
Gulat sila.
Nagulat din ako na nagulat sila. Alam naman nilang lahat na sa lahat ng mga naging ka-relasyon ko, pang-matagalan ang iniisip ko. Hindi ako naglalaro. Ni hindi tumitingin sa iba. Binubuo ko ang aking mundo para tumugma sa kanya, para sa ganun, makabuo kami ng iisang mundo na ihaharap sa iba pa.
Kaya naman, tulad ng maraming ka-edad namin. Alam kong handa na ako.
Hinihintay ko na lamang sya.
Sana, dumating na.
YOU'VE MADE ME STRONGER
Is it hard to believe I'm okay
After all, it's been a while since you walked away
I'm way past crying over your finding someone new
You turned my days into bright
But now I see the light
And this may be a big surprise to you
REFRAIN:
(But/'Cause) you've made me stronger by breaking my heart
You ended my life and made a better one start
You've taught me everything from fallin' in love
To letting go of a lie
Yes, you've made me stronger, baby, by saying goodbye
If you'd rather believe I'm not over you
Go ahead-there's nothing wrong with making believe
I know 'cause I used to pretend you'd come back to me
But time has been such a friend
Brought me to my senses again
And I have you to thank for setting me free
(Repeat Refrain)
Think again
Don't feel so sorry for me, my friend
Oh, don't you know
I'm not the one at the losing end.
(Repeat Refrain twice moving into higher notes 'till fade)
You made me stronger by saying
Goodbye…
Finally, I can truly say thank you for saying goodbye. Now, it's my turn. And for the very last time,
Goodbye, M.
Sabi ni Bob Ong,
"Alam mo ba kung gaano kalayo ang pagitan ng dalawang tao pag nagtalikuran na sila? Kailangan mong libutin ang buong mundo para lang makaharap ulit ang taong tinalikuran mo."
Ibinahagi ko ito sa Facebook at hindi kalaunan ay tumugon ang isa sa aking mga kaibigan.
Mula kay Mos:
Teka, parang mali pala si Bob Ong, hindi naman pala buong mundo ang kailangang ikutin (360 degrees) kundi kalahati lang ng mundo (180 degrees). Kasi kung buong mundo ang inikot mo, hinanap mo siya para talikuran lang ulit. Mas masakit yun.
Pero ang pinakamasakit siguro ay yaong magkaharap kayo, pero alam mo naman na wala kayo sa puso ng isa't isa.O kaya naman ay nasa puso mo siya, pero wala ka sa kanya.
Sa ganoong pagkakataon, pagbigyan ang sariling umiyak at magdalamhati. Ibuhos mo lahat. Kapag umiiyak ka pa din pero wala nang luha ang pumapatak mula sa iyong mga mata, aba tama na. Oras na para patawarin mo siya at ang iyong sarili. Tapos, hayaan mo na. Hindi naman katapusan ng "buong mundo" kapag tinalikuran ka ng isang tao. Ang totoo nyan, nagpapatuloy lamang ang pagikot ng mundo kung saan maari kang makatagpo ng karapat-dapat.
Mula sa akin:
Huwag kang mag-alala, hindi ko hahayaang umikot na lamang ang mundo nang hindi ko namamalayan. Hindi ako tatayo na lamang upang pagmasdan ang pag-ikot ng aking kapaligiran. Lalakad ako, Mos. Tulad ng dati, magpapatuloy ako sa aking paglalakbay. Hahakbang muli at sasabay sa pag-inog ng mundo ang aking mundo. At sa huli, bibitbitin at aalalahanin ko lamang ang mga tao at alaalang magtutulak sa akin sa aking paglalakbay. Ang lahat ng iba pa'y iiwanan at mananatiling bahagi lamang ng aking nakaraan.
Masaya ako at kabahagi ka ng aking kasalukuyan. Walang duda, isa ka sa mga taong aking aakbayan sa pagpapatuloy ko sa aking bawat paghakbang.
Salamat.
---
Ikaw, sinu-sino ang mga kasama mo sa iyong paglalakbay?
BARE
From the musical, Bare
Do you remember the day that you met me?
I swear it was yesterday, I knew with a glance
That you were the question, and you were the answer
That the world would make sense again if I held your hand
Someday you'll look back, and I hope you'll remember
The moment of truth when I knew who I was
How did I learn the truth you gave to me?
I will always remember that first stolen moment
There you were kissing me, and time seemed to freeze
Now I stand at a crossroad and stare at a question
If prayer were the answer I'd fall on my knees
But forward is calling and I cannot stay here
A parting of souls as I try to move on
How do I forget the dream you shared with me?
I've never been this bare / I've never been so scared
I've never felt such honesty / Don't stop we'll never go away
A moment of such peace / Each of us standing bare
Knowing what you mean to me / Knowing who we have to be
Know as you hold my hand / I hope and pray
We're forever you and I / That you'll understand
I know you're here in my heart
Please understand that I tried
Try to see it's not good bye
The act is beginning, the audience waits
No, stay in this moment, where secrets reveal
Here in a world where there's safety in falsehood
I have discovered the one thing that's real
That I love you and I loved you from the start
And if you hold that close to you, we'll never be apart
Please know I loved you...
God, I love you
From the start
If you want to get unstuck, give yourself a kick in the butt.
Someone said that in Facebook today. And it hit me. Made me think of myself and my current situation. Am I stuck? Am I in that phase in my life when everything holds still for that one moment that will eventually give me the most needed push? Or alternatively, am I where I needed to be, and me choosing to be in this place is not being stuck; rather, it's me moving in exactly the right direction?
It's not often when it happens that I get confused (not in my life situation at least). Often, friends would tell me I'm the most logical person they know. Well, the most emotional logical person, that is. But whatever, I often get a certain sense, an outline if you must, of how my life should proceed; of how, when and where I should go.
But this time, that one line, that one small thought, unnerved me and made me ask. Where then should I go, if at all? Or should what I am now stay so I'd know where to go? Am I blinded by my emotions that it kept me stuck in the same place, or is that same emotion the only driving force keeping me afloat these days?
There are so many questions that need even more answers, and I am grasping at straws on how to reach them. I think I am happy. But should I really be? I want this to last, but will what I receive last?
I don't know. I'm taking it one step at a time. Stuck or being unstuck, whatever. I'll enjoy what I have now; and like always, I'll do it by not doing, for this, too, I know, shall come to pass.
It's been one long week. I wonder if you'd ever find your way back. Or if we should continually get lost moving on. Walls are starting to rise, distance is starting to divide. Now is the time to act. Or it is gonna be too late. Sigh.
Excerpts from…
WHEN YOU FALL IN LOVE
(Debunking The Myths That Are Driving You Crazy)
By Bo Sanchez
You start blaming your partner for the loss of love. This is nutty. But many people do it: when we don't feel in love, we think it's the fault of the other person. And so we fight him. Again, we fall out of love because we're human beings. It's nobody's fault. The moment you fall out of love, the real work begins . Let me explain. This is the most important point I'm going to make. (I got this from Scott Peck in his bestseller book, The Road Less Traveled).
Falling in love isn't love. Here's why. When you fall in love…
No decision is required. Falling in love just happens.
No effort is required. Falling in love is like…. well, falling.
No hard work is required. Falling in love is being bitten by the love bug.
On the other hand, true love requires all three : Decision, effort and lots of hard work. In the Bible, love is a command. You make it happen. Sure true love can only happen after you've fallen out of love. When you begin choosing to love, even if you don't feel like doing it — that's true love. And that's the foundation of a lasting marriage.
---
College, when I first learned to love, seems like a long long time ago. Now, years later, I still believe in the same thing. I love. And I hope it would never change.
After everything, I now know that I am at a crossroad. The paths have now been cleared, the carpet laid. I have but to choose.
On the one hand, I could stay, but only if I get unconditional love. I cannot, and will not, settle for less. Not anymore. On the other, I'd turn around and completely erase you out of my life, to begin anew.
None of these will be easy. Both will require work. But for what it's worth, whatever I choose, I will have move on. To a stronger love regarding the first, and hopefully to a happier future in relation to the next. Yes, either way, I will have move on.
And I can't wait. This drama has already taken its toll. It needs to stop.
And that begins now.
Until now, there's only one name I hope to see when I go online. It's yours. I hope you know that.
YOUR EYES
RENT
Your Eyes
As We Said Our Goodbyes
Can't Get Them Out Of My Mind
And I Find I Can't Hide (From)
Your Eyes
The Ones That Took Me By Surprise
The Night You Came Into My Life
Where There's Moonlight
I See Your Eyes
How'd I Let You Slip Away
When I'm Longing So To Hold You
Now I'd Die For One More Day
'Cause There's Something I Should
Have Told You
Yes There's Something I Should Have
Told You
When I Looked Into Your Eyes
Why Does Distance Make Us Wise?
You Were The Song All Along
And Before The Song Dies
I Should Tell You I Should Tell You
I Have Always Loved You
You Can See It In My Eyes
Mimi
Is that all you want? To be treated well? How about love and passion?
--Abby, Harper's Island
(From one blog I came across during one of those days...)
Right here, right now, I am making a stand. My life will not revolve around you. My days will not be made to accommodate you. From now on, it will be about me, just me. Then, maybe you'll know my worth. Then maybe you'll say that you miss me, or even that you love me.
A time away from you is all that I need to restore my self-worth.
And this is my resolve.
I wanna feel that kind of love again. That kind when I actually feel that I’m wanted. That kind where I am not afraid to say what I mean, even if I’m not making any sense. That kind where I don’t almost always half-expect the other to walk out on me even for the least of things. That sweep-me-off-my-feet kind. That kind when I not only feel loved, but also see the love in that other person’s eyes. That kind when I would gladly succumb to that drowning feeling knowing fully well that that someone will always take my hand and lift me up. That kind that makes me wake up in the middle of the night and makes me smile. That kind which do not give me dole outs but gives me the best that the person could. That kind that puts me in a pedestal without any hint of malice or shame, but of pure pride. That which would never make me feel unloved. That which would always, always love me back.
I wanna feel that kind of love again. For I have almost forgotten it.
"You can't blame yourself. Some people are just broken. I guess you just try not to care too much, so you can't be disappointed."
--Izzie, Grey's Anatomy
No more Mr. Nice Guy.
That's what I used to say when I was still the nice college guy with a nice Catholic background from the province. I guess my teachers back then taught me well. GMRC and values education were not lost on me.
I remember one time in college, when I was at my all time low, one of my best friends, while crying with me, asked, "Bakit ba nangyayari sa'yo 'tong mga to, Jel, eh ang bait-bait mo?" At that time, I too didn't know why those things were happening to me. But I was sure of one thing, I was nice and I didn't deserve them.
And people liked me for being nice. In fact, I think I became friends with my friends because of it. And we spent the best years of our lives in college because of that.
When I entered law school immediately after college though, there was an entirely different story. I was no longer Mr. Nice Guy. I was the snappy one, ready to devour anyone open to a challenge, ready to retort with the same level of evil thrown at me. At that time, I liked it. In fact, I did everything to be it. I thought it gave me character.
Not knowing it cost me mine.
Now, when I am again at a low point in my life, I realize friends could no longer say the same things. I am no longer nice. I can no longer say that I don't deserve what befalls me these days.
I wonder if I should forget being who I have become and start becoming who I was. Will my life get better? Will I gain more new friends and regain my old ones? Will I be the same me that was strong not because I was a bully but because I was liked?
I don't know. I hope so.
I wish he'd come back, Mr. Nice Guy.
(P.S. I wrote this few weeks ago, and I never had a chance to post it. Today, I reckon I didn't have to wait for another low moment in my life to publish this entry. Hence, this post.)
I read someone's blog few weeks ago--he, envying his ex-law school classmates who'll take the bar soon, and they, treating him out for lunch in Tagaytay during one of their rare vacations. In the midst of the narrative, I felt a sudden gush of nostalgia when I, too, was still in the law school. Back then, I was determined not to give up and to see it through till the end. I vowed that I will not be among those who will have to leave for whatever reason. I was determined--not to get hold of the trophy, but merely to reach the goal.
So I wonder if the blogger was really envious that his ex-law school classmates are finishing law school and taking the bar soon, or if it is just the frustration of not finishing something he started that was talking.
I finished law school in a good school and with good grades. I also passed the bar, first time and top 5%. But after this, after reaching a seemingly unreachable goal, like my thoughts on the blogger's entry, I now wonder, "Did I really want this in the first place?"
Or was it just the rush of the race to the finish line that kept me going?
It creeps into your body without your knowing it, addiction. Then it destroys your soul, slowly, gradually, until none is left to deconstruct, until you can only utter so few words to get a glimpse of who or what you used to be. It makes you lose any sense of self you painstakingly worked for and build in all your years.
Until you realize that you can break free, that you can detox and cleanse yourself of what you so blindly welcomed into your system. It is, after all, just a substance. And you, with all the years behind you, are stronger than that.
Purge yourself of what is not needed, and you see yourself again. Pure. Strong. Independent. Who you were,
and who you will always be.
So I have been at home the whole day, watching TV, and in every local channel I tune in to, the hot topic of discussion is the "sex video" of Katrina Halili and Hayden Kho (or is it Koh?).
I got curious, naturally, so I searched youtube for the controversial video, watched it, and got confused as to why that particular video I've seen merits this much hype from the media. I mean, what I saw were a very sexy Katrina Halili in her underwear dancing to the tune of Careless Whisper, and a very sweaty Hayden Kho, clad in his briefs, gyrating to and singing the same song. Hmmm. I finished the whole clip and nowhere therein did I see anyone taking off their remaining apparel and performing sexual intercourse.
Okay, I thought, maybe I watched the snipped version of the video. Hence, I watched another, and another, and then another. I pretty much saw the same thing: two very hot persons gyrating to the tune of a very sexy song.
So what the heck is all the fuss about?
I can't see how the video I've seen is any different from the dance numbers I have seen countless of times in local variety shows where the dancers (usually, the female dancers) are only clad in very skimpy clothings shaking whatever assets they have been generously given. It made me ask, since when did the definition of "sex video" exclude the actuality that there must first be sex in the video? Hmmm.
I do hope that there is more to the "sex video" than what I've actually seen because if not, that video is, and remains to be, a simple footage of two persons dancing. Period.
And Katrina Halili is not any less of a sexy actress because of that.
Hello!
Take away the stress from work and one good thing remains apparent: I am happy. Really happy. Thanks, M.
It's 2:40 in the afternoon and all I can do is look at my office window whenever I tire of surfing the net. But this is not for lack of many many things to do, mind you. It's just one of those days when all I wanna do is lie around at home and watch dvds. It is also one of those days when I wish I were as rich as the latest lotto winners because by then, I would have quit my job, set up my own corporation, and manage the business that I have always dreamt of having--loads of cash and minimum work. Haha. Yun nga lang, what business I have in mind takes time before I can rake in the cash. But oh well.
Going back to reality, I'm so waiting for 6pm to come. It's Friday! Ahhh. I remember the time when I used to go out every weekend. Such was the life of a single guy. Not that I miss it. I just remember it, nothing more. No worries for you there, M. Hehe. So now that all I can dream of is the 6pm bell, I wonder what I'll do by then. Hmm, M's not here. I'm sure K's off somewhere with friends. The other M's not replying to my messages (yes, yes, I may have given M a reason not to--and I apologize for that--but at that time, well, my life was swirling. I couldn't even reply to my cousin who was going to be arraigned at that time. Argh. Those times were hell.) That leaves me with my law school and college friends, which couldn't help either. T is once more in the boondocks with the boondocks friends, and the rest of the college peeps are meeting tomorrow and not tonight.
Hmm. Now that I'm writing about this, it makes me wonder if I really couldn't contact anyone to hang out with tonight. Naman! Sige nga, since it's just 2:56 at my time, I'd try to get in touch with all peeps. That gives me more or less three hours to organize my thoughts and decide on what I want to do tonight.
Gotta go. See yah.
I don't wanna live in constant fear, ever questioning the wisdom of my decisions and the propriety of my actions. Takes just one slip to completely erode my whole day's work. I don't want this anymore. I need escape.
So C, my ex, called me last night upon reading my previous entry. It was a call that offered (I think) comfort to whatever I am going through these days. Apparently, C has still been reading my blog entries.
Anyway, it was kinda sweet, really, if only I was fully awake to understand what was being said to me on the phone. You see, I didn't get much rest the night before (M and I, and some of M's college friends, took on the challenge of downing tequila bottles despite early morning commitments, argh). Thus, last night, I was in bed really really early (as in 10pm early). So when I got the call, I was already droning while in dreamland.
Hence, I couldn't recall what C and I talked about. Haha. Kumusta naman yun? What I am sure of though is that it was a very short talk followed by a lot of "huh", "who's this again?", and "oo". Not to be snobbish but, oh well, such is the life of a person who talks while half asleep. Haha.
Early today, upon waking up, I saw a text message from C. It was a litany of how I can get through this and that "every success begins with difficulty" (or something to this effect, I mistakenly deleted the message, but thanks, C). I forwarded this to M (before I mistakenly deleted it) and, not surprisingly, M agreed. Hmm.. Now that's the only thing my ex and my present have in common aside from me. And I hope it stops there. Hehe..
But for what it's worth, I know they mean well. In fact, I have been trying to believe in that since I found myself in this predicament. But you see, undergoing this problem is not as easy. Despite telling myself that it will get better, somehow, waking up every morning on the verge of tears before leaving the house blurs the words and clarifies the difference.
And often, I ask myself, is it worth it?
Is it?
I'm suffocating. I look at my office window and I see the big world out there, yet I am here, unable to move and soar like how I want to. Everyone around me makes me believe that staying is the only option that I have at the moment, but all that I know is that I'm dying every second that I stay. Every waking moment is a struggle. Every thought of going here is torture. I want to go. I want to be free again. I want to re-evaluate my life and check how I have come to this state. I remember my vow last year, that I would never let anyone stump on who I am and what I want to be. Now, that vow seemed to have been made in another age. And it seemed too long ago.
But now that my limit is almost at hand, that tiny seed of dissension grows each day. That vow is coming back. I am leaving. I have to. There is no place for me here and this place have no room in heart anymore.
I am going.
