Long Distances

Suddenly, I feel like I'm alone all over again. The many fleeting attention thrown at me the past few weeks by different people, the many flattery that I absolutely enjoyed, are now gone. Not that these people discontinued their innuendos. They didn't. But I don't feel it anymore. I don't feel them anymore. I suppose it's me telling myself that the moments of harmless flirtations have already passed me by, and I am, once more, looking for the stability of a relationship that I have always been in. 

Fine, I am technically in a relationship now, but then again, the person I am in a relationship with is miles and miles away from me. As I have always suspected, modern technology, in all its wonders these days, could not help me in this situation. Just as it hadn't when I was away from Los Banos. It simply boils down to the simple fact that I am in a relationship not to spend every waking hour without the person beside me. Rather, I am in a relationship to establish an actual relationship, a real communion and a sharing of oneself with someone who will do the same. And time and again, this has been proven to be very difficult, if not downright impossible, when the two people communing is far apart. How could there be union when there is no actual union? 

Before I go on, lest I be misunderstood, it is not the physical intimacy alone that I long for, though it is of course a major consideration. More than that, it is the sharing of myself to that someone, the thrill of introducing my ways to that person, the complexity of trying to get another person's entirety, to understand his/her different thought process and insight, that's what's being in a relationship is all about for me. It is me growing, learning, and becoming, with the other person, and the other person with me. There is only so much that Skype and the internet could do. Aside from the fact that the first half of a couple's conversation centers around the mundane things that happened to each of their lives, the depth of the conversation never goes deeper. Unlike a conversation that a couple might have, say, in a coffee shop after a sumptuous meal. Or unlike the many universal realities that both may discover while cuddling in bed, post coital (or not). 

The point is, there is so much missed when there is actual physical distance between two persons that are supposedly in a relationship. The point is, there seldom is growth, if any, when two people are apart. What they do have is an establishment of their own daily lives, separate from each other. Call me a hopeless romantic if you will, but I do see the joy in knowing what little quirks or pet peeves the other person may have. I do become delighted when I get to reach the same conclusion as the other person on any given matter, not because we were able to talk about it beforehand, but because I am well-versed with the other person's thought process that it becomes inevitable that I anticipate where the other person is leading to. 

And this is what I sorely miss. Right now, I am in a limbo of some sorts. I have given my heart to someone. Yet I could not establish a relationship with the same person, that person being hundreds of miles away. At the same time, I could meet other people, yes, but I could never establish any relationship with them other than mere physical contact, because emotionally, I am with someone else. That leaves me to a dichotomous situation where my physical self becomes intimate with others whereas my emotional self is with someone else. It tears me apart. It confuses me to no end.

And it begs the question, do I need to give up on my relationship, and, with the help of everything good, try to find another person who could give me all that I need?

Or do I continue being in this relationship and risk taking that little (if at all) chance of growth?

I love that person, I do. But how long could I take before everything I am made of, before all good that I know I am, is shredded into pieces because of our situation? I think I am afraid to find out. Because at the end of everything, it is I and only I who will be on the losing end.

And I don't want to be alone.