The Great O

I wrote this entry eons ago. And I suppose it's still worth sharing.

You were absolutely right. People that come across your path fall for you. Instantly. I said the same thing about me, but it looks like it's only you who said the real thing. I know I have left quite an impression. Yep, I always do. But impressions or not, I'm the one who's here longing for seconds. And thirds. Probably months. Or even years. I couldn't help it. The way your eyes sparkled when you looked at me, or the way you swooned after our kiss, I suppose I missed that. And it haunts me. Are you feeling the same way? Or am I just making a fool out of me, seeing something that is not really there? Is it taking all your will not to send me a text or a message, just as it is taking all of mine? Aren't you just a bit curious of what could be, or are you so admiringly grounded enough on reality that such a ridiculous thought never crossed your mind?

Never wear your heart out on your sleeves. That's what I always tell my best friend. So now, I'm doing all that I can to tuck my heart back in. And by writing about this, I suppose I'm not doing much of a good job, am I? But that's only because I wonder how it would be like if we were under different circumstances; if we weren't who we are now. But then again, would we have found each other?

You found me. You did. But now, it is I who can't lose you. You were absolutely right. I was trapped in an instant.

I just hope I was right too. And that you're on your way to figuring that out.

On writing

I miss those times when writing was easy. When inspiration flowed straight from the source to my computer screen. I miss owning the time I spend each day, and putting into words my thoughts and feelings. I miss the safety I get from documenting my life story. For the times when I am down. For the times when I need guidance and help.

And so, this long pause in writing scares me to pieces. 

The first half of this year so far has been all about me and my travels. I enjoyed the beach early on this year, one after another. But I have written zilch about it. I have enjoyed the waves and the salty breeze, but my laptop has never heard of it. Half the year is gone, and I am as dark as ever, but I haven't spent a single word to brag about what I've been through.

It is also my first time out of the country this year, and, yes, I have not blogged about what I experienced. Long have I imagined leaving the Philippine islands for somewhere outside my own little world. I used to see myself jumping up and about for joy during the airplane ride, and literally gawking on the new land upon landing. To some extent, I did all those things this year, and for some frightening reason, I have never had the mojo to write about it.

I also did make some major life decisions this year. Both in my love life and in my work life. When I reviewed my blog all these months, I realized that, in prior years, around the time when I made the same decisions about me and my life, my blog was filled with insights, doubts, thoughts, anger, frustration, joy, and relief. Now, it is as if these major events didn't happen, and I never felt all these emotions.

I have never felt such a disconnect with me and my blog ever before. I have always, always relied on my writing to keep me grounded. To remind me of obscure memories I have long forgotten. To keep me and my friends in sync even if we never get to see each other.

That's why I miss writing. That's why I need writing.

And I better do something. Soon.