Lost and found

A new acquaintance said just now, “alam mo you're a catch… kaya dapat hindi ikaw ang naghahanap… ikaw dapat ang naghihintay na mahanap…” And almost as instantly, it hit me. He’s right. Why do I keep on running after these people who seem to be so anxious about getting away? Why do I think I should exert all effort to get close to any of them? Have I really lost my sense of self that I felt the need to please others rather than be pleased?

Well, not anymore. I just found myself again. And as all my exes said, I’m a catch. I won’t dare forget it again.

And neither should they.

Hopes

jeez. im so not freakin cut out for this. this freakin new world i've been trying to get into (not the legal profession, mind you, hehe) is so much more than i can handle. one moment, it feels like heaven; the next feels like shit. jealousy rules the world, and non-commitment permeates the players. argh. what have i ever done to deserve this? from one failed attempt to the next, i feel like i'm losing sanity and stability. i wonder what will happen if i quit altogether. i wonder what will become of me if i revert to my old life. will it be simpler and happier? or is staying and pushing forward the only way to go? hay. life. its complexity is infinitely more than i can even try to understand. i just hope i survive. i just hope i see the light soon. i just hope.

Pumps pumps

Today was not a very good work out day. I arrived at the gym with shock for I have never seen such a number of people working out in that gym all at the same time. As a result, I had very limited space to move around in which translated into poor work out. I never even got to finish my routine because it pissed me off to share such a small number of equipment with that much people. Argh. Problem is, I can't return tomorrow, oath taking. So, I still have to wait for Wednesday before I can flex my newly formed muscles again. Hay.

The only good thing in the gym tonight was the presence of beautiful people who I have never seen before. At least, my eyes pumped some iron. Hehe.. ;p

Muscle pains

Last night, I've been raving about how cool it was to return to the gym. Now, I've been stuck at home the whole day nursing muscle pains. Argh. I can't even stretch my arms; it is as if they were frozen at a 90 degree angle permanently. The trite saying "no pain, no gain" definitely has taken on a new meaning for me. Naman!

Good thing I found new friends. Sana may matuloy, hehe.. ;p

Injustice

Why do some people's blogs have millions and millions of comments, and others don't?

The injustice of it all.

Pumps

Finally, after what seemed like forever, i hit the gym once more, burned some calories and pumped some iron. I've forgotten how exhilarating it is after one session of continuous sweating and lifting. Whew. Not to mention the fact that I know I'll be in tip top shape again in a few weeks time. Nice. Now, I can look at my physique again without wanting to look away.

And that just made my freakin' day! ;p

Random rubbish

and so, i'm back here. again. where everything started. where everything eventually ends. i stare at my laptop, wondering, bemused, amazed on how things unravel at a time i least expect. i wonder, is this really a part of a major plan? a part of a time space continuum that uncoils by itself no matter what i do? have i a major part in this or am i merely a pawn in a game of chance? 

i have often wondered how amazing it is that one good thing hooks up with another as i live my life. after bouts of heavy rainfall, i always seem to see the sun striking its light before the cleansed creation. now, i see it again. it has to happen. i had to go. so i can be elsewhere. so i can prepare myself for that which is meant for me. i just needed that jolt. so i can wake up. so i can act. so i may fulfill that which has been foretold. 

i can. i should. i must.

i will.

Something's afoot 2

I resigned.

Cool huh? Hehe.. ;p

Something's afoot

In the words of Ker, something's afoot. Something world altering is about to happen to me. I just need permission from the most important persons in my life to push through with it. Once I have it, my world as I know it now will change. The logical end of my wails two months ago will ensue, and I will, once more, pursue a life I want lived.

And nothing will stop me. The pursuit of knowledge weighs infinitely more than just becoming a lowly surrogate, that's for sure. 

There will be no more pretensions. Stand by.

still there?

it's the longest week i've had without word from you. i know i should move on. and i'm doing so. it's just that, sometimes, things remind me of you, and i get a hard time letting go.

you still there?

Time

That's it then, out with the old, in with the new.

Time to get excited again.

And get others to be excited again.

Today was asshole day

Unfortunately, it was not me.

From that bitchy prosecutor in that rundown building to that asshole driver in that pest-infested cab, I felt like wringing anyone's neck in my own hands and squeezing the life out of it. Argh. 

Evil.

Busy de tode

Pasig City Hall in the morning. Mandaluyong Prosecutor's Office in the afternoon. Lit meeting in the evening. Tsk tsk. Busy de tode.

Just Mistakes

You have no idea how much it hurt. But thank you still for making me feel it, right here, right now. Thank you for breaking the fall while you still can. Thank you for letting me go, while we both still can.

I don't doubt that we evaded what could be great sadness. I only wish we experienced joy first. I'm happy you could nurse your broken heart now. I just would have been happier if you let me help. But nonetheless, I still thank you.

You may have thought I was someone, and you're not. But the truth is, I always thought that you're someone I could never have.

Don't worry about me. Don't cry for me. I am strong, I will overcome. Look to your heart instead, and heal what is broken.

So you can love. And then be loved. Again.

Good luck.

Tough Day

I just spent almost six hours out of the office. Most of those time were spent on the jam packed roads of the greater Manila area, specifically, Valenzuela City. Susme. Kapoy!

The only thought that kept me going was that I'm going home the moment I arrived at the office. All other pleadings, I will just finish next week. I was so looking forward to changing clothes and eating out with Ker in one of those restaurants listed in his Philippine Tatler compilation.

But lo and behold, just a minute or two before I pick up my laptop to head home, one partner came from out of nowhere and announced, "Wag muna kayo uuwi ha, may emergency meeting tayo." Sheesh. But since it was directed only to the associates of the corp division of the firm, I said, "Kayo lang naman yun di ba? Nako, uuwi nako."

But then, yeah, you guessed it. Less than a minute after, the partner came out again and said kasama raw ako. Naman! Tough luck.

If only I didn't drop by the corp division to chat. If only I left three minutes earlier. If only.

Waaaa!!!

Kwento

Ewan. Yan lagi ang sagot nya sa chat sa bawat tanong ko sa nararamdaman nya sa'kin. Sabay bawi ng hehe sa dulo na para bang umo-oo pero ayaw nyang ipaalam. Kilig naman ako. Parang lumalapit na ang araw na maririnig ko ang matamis nyang oo, na walang pagkukubli, na walang pasubali.

Nang una kaming nagkita, matagal akong naghintay. Dun sa Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf sa may Paseo de Roxas, mahinahon kong binasa nang buo ang Philippine Star habang pigil na pigil ang aking paghinga. Kasi naman, baka dumating sya e ma-turn off sa lumuluwal kong tyan. Ilang buwan na kasi nang huli akong nag-gym. Tumigil ako dahil malapit na nun yung Bar Exams, grabe na ang pressure ng pag-aaral. Kesa naman ang pagmememorya ang isakripisyo ko, di bale nang tumaba nang kaunti, makapaghanda lamang dun sa isang buwang eksamen. Kaya ayun, nung gabing inaabangan ko ang kanyang pagdating, pilit kong itina-tuck in ang tyan ko, sayang naman ang first impression.

Dumating syang huli ng ilang minuto. Mga 40 minutes ata. Nagsabi naman syang nagkaroon sila ng biglaang pagpupulong. Kaya lang, naglalakad nako sa Paseo nung matanggap ko yung mga text message nya kaya nauna pa rin ako. Kaya ayun, nagulat na lang ako nung may biglang tumapik sa likod ko sabay sabi ng "hoy." Paglingon ko, ayun sya, nakatitig sakin, parang tinatantya kung sino at ano ako. Naisip ko kaagad, sana nga maging kami, masarap siguro syang alagaan.

Tumagal kami ng ilang oras sa coffee shop na yun, kwentuhan lang. Nakakamiss.

Matagal-tagal din kaming nagkulitan pagkatapos nun. Minsan sa tawagan sa cellphone, minsan sa chat. Dati nga di halos kami pareho makapagtrabaho kasi wala kaming inintindi sa maghapon kundi ang pagcha-chat namin. Nakatutuwa kasi syang kausap eh. Laging may hehe at haha sa dulo ng pangungusap. Hindi boring. 

Nakakamiss.

Hanggang sa ayun, nangyari na nga yung nangyari. Hindi na kami nagkibuan. Hindi na nya sinasagot ang mga tawag ko, kahit text at chat. Para bang parang bula syang nawala sa buhay ko. Wala rin ngang pagpapaliwanag kung hindi ko pa sya pinadalahan ng pm sa multiply. 

Nakakalungkot. Nakakamiss.

Magulo kasi yung gabing yun. Di ko alam kung anong nangyari. Basta ang natatandaan ko, naramdaman ko na lang na naiinis na sya sa'kin dahil dun sa mga sagot nya sa text ko. Para raw ako yung ex nya. Ginawa ko raw yung mga masasamang ginawa sa kanya nun. Nagulat naman ako. Di ko lubos maisip kung ano yung pinaparatang nya. Tinanong ko sya. Di nya sinagot. Sabi nya, please patulugin mo ako. Para bang sinasabi nyang tantanan ko na sya. Pakiramdam ko tuloy isa akong kriminal na may ginawang masama sa kanya nung gabing yun.

Hindi ako nakatulog. Para bang nakulong ako na hindi man lang dumaan sa paglilitis. Guilty na kaagad. Walang tanong-tanong. Walang pali-paliwanag.

Pero mas masakit nung dumating ang umaga. Kulang na lang sabihin nyang wala akong kasalanan pero iiwanan pa rin nya ako. For our sake raw. Bukod dito, sinabi rin nya na di pa rin daw nya malimutan ang ex nya. At makaka-move on lang daw sya pagnakaalis na sa Pilipinas yung tao. Sa June.

Parang gumuho ang mundo ko. Tumigil ang pag-ikot at dahan-dahang nalihis sa orbit nito. Gusto ko syang tanungin, wala ka na bang nararamdaman para sakin? Pero natakot ako. Hindi ko itinanong. Natakot ako sa mga pwede nyang maging sagot. Natakot ako na baka ngayon, matapos ang lahat, ang ewan ay hindi na oo. Na baka wala nang hehe na babawi sa dulo ng kanyang pangungusap.

Kaya hinahanap-hanap ko sya hanggang ngayon. Kaya isinusulat ko ito ngayon.

Nakakamiss.

Sana bumalik ka.

Tired

Work can be a b*tch sometimes. It gets so tiring that you don't have any time left to do anything else at night. Hell, it can be so mind numbing that you can't even exert physical effort anymore. Couple this with walking from my office building to the Enterprise building to Glorietta to Park Square to SM Makati to Glorietta again and you'll have your feet b*tching at you nonstop. The only consolation you can get is that if you were with someone worth spending time with. But if that person turns out to be one not having a good day himself, well... you do the math. ;p