Scrambled Thoughts 2

"FROM NOW TO FOREVER AND A DAY"

Love changes us in more ways than we can remember. It rearranges our life so much we can't help but notice how different a person we are after. Love makes us do many things we don't normally do, and it teaches us to learn from many mistakes we commit. But most of all, love makes us grow and turn into better persons.

That is why it is heartbreaking when we lose a loved one. It becomes unbearable more so, when that someone passes away.

Almost three years ago, a friend's love died of pneumonia. He was young, early 30's. I couldn't even begin to imagine the feeling the family members, and my friend, felt at that time. I couldn't even begin to know how to cope up with that kind of situation.

One thing's for sure though, I was confronted with mortality as strongly as the walls behind me are. Mortality. Life and death. More often than not, we take it for granted.  I take it for granted. We live as if we'll live until forever. We live as if there's always another day to make good on our broken promises, and unsolved dreams. 

But sometimes, just sometimes, when reminded of the people around us who we already lost, we take a pause. Most of the times, a very long pause. And a little thought crosses our minds, they really are gone, and we're never gonna see them. Ever again.

And then we realize, all we have left are the memories we have had with them, some pictures, snap shots, of those few happy times we spent with them. Smiling happy faces amidst the backdrop of an unforgettable place that we will soon forget.

And as time continues, as our lives continue, we realize that those precious memories soon fade, those wonderful moments we spent together soon diffuse into the dark corners of our memories.

Until all we have left is the impression of love.

And how it changed us and rearranged our lives. To become better persons that we are now. Such that, even years after our loved ones have left, who they left, the person that we eventually became, will stay and mark their impression on the courses of our lives.

And we can say, then, we truly have loved.

From now to forever and a day.

---

"No Love, No Friendship, can ever cross our paths, without affecting us in some ways, forever." -Quote from a Youth Encounter.

Scrambled Thoughts

In this dim corner of my room, I lay awake, thinking. There's just too much that happened this week that kept me from resting, things that should have made me break, but curiously still didn't. Enough things though to make me wonder, at least, what has this life in store for me.

For years, I have defined my life in terms of school and love; then thereafter, work and love. Yet now, many many years after, I find myself lost in definition. Who am I really? And why are these things happening to me?

Much of it I now blame on the blood that courses through my veins. Am I like my progenitors more than I would care to admit? Are my genes dictating the course of my entire life?

I don't want to. At least, I didn't want to. But the unfolding of events in the recent years reveal a pattern too defined to be ignored. The constant search for stability ironically bred an instability not even I could now justify.

And I haven't even cried. Yet.

Only the closest around me, save for one, was privy to the burden I am now trying to overcome. And, I think, I haven't let it all out yet. Thus, I'm scared. To move on, to continue my daily life. For fear of a sudden unexpected outburst. For fear of doing what I have always done before. Again.

I need anchorage. I need to be grounded.

And right now, I have nothing that keeps me from getting adrift. I'm not free, I'm just lost.

And I need something to hold on to. I need someone to hold on to.

And I need them now.