remembering

four years ago, i walked out of the Loyola campus with a heavy heart. i cannot believe that the four most amazing years of my life have been over that quickly; that memories i had of the place will only remain just that, memories; that the college environment i so love will then stay etched on my mind alone, and not on anybody else's. it was the feeling of holding on to something letting go that totally unnerved me. it was the feeling of saying goodbye.

in less than a day, i'd be turning in my last exam booklet in the law school. after four years of grueling academic endeavor, i'd be at the end of that tunnel, this time not looking forward at the clearing ahead, but back at my old tracks. yes, it's been four years since, and nothing is sadder than what i'm feeling now. i see the school and i feel nothing. i see my old classmates and no sense of separation surfaces. it is as if i have never spent a great deal of my precious time in the place.

has the law school desensitized me so completely that i cannot feel sadness in leaving its portals? have i ever been that sad during my stay here that i'm all too pleased in getting out? was it the discipline of law itself or is it the law environment that i've been exposed to which made me feel this way?

i am graduating. i am leaving the school. i am no longer its student. why am i not sad?

i want to feel the connection between me and the law school. i want to feel that choking sadness coupled with amazing joy which will bring me to tears upon thinking of the impending separation. i want to miss the school and i want it to miss me back. the way i miss loyola and the way my special place misses me back. for after all, at the end of the day, what clings to the heart is not those which hurt it, but those which gave it warmth and care.

i remember loyola with fondness and glee. i cannot say the same for rockwell.

but i wish i could. i really wish i could.