It's time

I'm suffocating. I look at my office window and I see the big world out there, yet I am here, unable to move and soar like how I want to. Everyone around me makes me believe that staying is the only option that I have at the moment, but all that I know is that I'm dying every second that I stay. Every waking moment is a struggle. Every thought of going here is torture. I want to go. I want to be free again. I want to re-evaluate my life and check how I have come to this state. I remember my vow last year, that I would never let anyone stump on who I am and what I want to be. Now, that vow seemed to have been made in another age. And it seemed too long ago.

But now that my limit is almost at hand, that tiny seed of dissension grows each day. That vow is coming back. I am leaving. I have to. There is no place for me here and this place have no room in heart anymore.

I am going.

The day of hearts

Four days later and I have yet to say anything about the day of hearts.

Weird, huh. Considering that I have been officially with M only one week before, I feel like I should be breathing inspiration left and right.

But I'm not.

And the reason escapes me. 

I have written and re-written this entry a thousand times, and still, I can't find that perfect syntax to express anything about February 14 or about love.

It thus begs the question, am I still in love?

Or have I reached that next stage where I can now say that I truly love?

I think I have from today to figure it out.

That's what you get

I ushered a smile when I realized that I had but one pending assignment for work today. After what seemed like weeks and weeks of heavy downpour, at last, I said to myself, I would have a day without too much things to worry about. 

Well, at least that's what I thought before I arrived at the office.

Because the moment I opened my Mail, there it is. In my dock rests one tiny popping red circular button with a number one superimposed on it. That means I have one new office e-mail. Jeez. 

It took me a moment to gather enough courage to see who could it be from and what it might be about. For all I know, it could herald a day of non-stop legal exercise that could not only deny me of my much needed sleep tonight, but also of my long sought for rest. I want to start blogging again, for crying out loud!

So there, with what courage I mustered, I clicked on the annoying red dot and...

P.S.

Yes, this entry will never be finished because I think you guys know what that red dot meant. Argh.

Anak ng...

Hindi ko alam na kung bakit sa araw-araw na ginawa ng Diyos nitong mga nakalipas na linggo eh parang hindi ako makagawa ng matinong trabaho. Kahit gaano kaayos ang tingin ko sa mga ginagawa ko, lagi na lang may kaakibat na kapalpakan na pinagpi-piyestahan naman ng mga boss. 

Parang ngayon. Sobrang saya ko nung natapos ko yung isa kong pleading nang ipinatawag ako ng isa sa parang napakaraming bosses. Pagkapasok ko pa lang sa silid nya, kinabahan nako, tahimik si mokong. Tapos pinaupo pa ako. Nag-overdrive ata sa pagkabog ang puso ko. At ayun na nga, nasabon na naman ako. 

At hindi lang yun, sabihan ba akong wala pa akong matinong ginawa ngayon taon! Anak ng... Nagpanting ang tenga ko, napalingon ako sa kanya nang mabilis at nanlisik ang mga mata ko. Wala raw? Potek. Baka ikaw wala, pero ako meron, meron, meron!!!

Tapos naisip ko, ah bahala ka. Mag-feeling kang mag-isa mo. Hmp.

Pero kahit na ganun, pasalamat pa rin ako kasi hindi sya nanigaw. Kaya hindi ako masyadong nalungkot. Affected, syempre, pero hindi naman sagad-sagaran tulad ng dati. Kaya pa naman. Kakayanin pa.

Laban lang nang laban. Sugod!

Dapit-hapon

Lumubog na naman  ang haring araw. Isang araw na naman ang nagdaan. Isang araw na puno ng stress dahil sa maraming nakaambang na trabaho. Trabahong laging nadaragdagan at hindi man lang mabawas-bawasan. 

Alas sais na nang umalis kami sa Fontana. Nag-dinner muna kami ni Ms. Emy bago tumulak pabalik sa Maynila, gutom na raw sya eh. Okay na rin sakin para tipid na sa hapunan pag-uwi ko sa bahay.

Kaya naman padilim na nung nakalabas sa NLEX ang van na sinasakyan namin. Nag-aagaw na ang liwanag at dilim sa lahat ng dako ng kapaligiran. Halos hindi ko na nga nakita nang buo yung bagong Marquee Mall na itnatayo sa may Angeles Exit. Sa bandang kanan ko, bahagya ko nang nasilayan ang ginintuang kulay ng langit dahil sa paglubog ng araw. Oo nga, pagabi na naman--oras na pinakaaayawan ko. 

Ipinaaalala kasi nito na kahit anong gawin ko, mananalo pa rin ang dilim sa laban na iyon. Na kahit anong pagpipilit at paghahanda ang pagdaanan ko, darating at darating din ang gabi. At, noong bata pa ako, kasama nitong madalas ang ingay, pagtatalo, at takot. Ingay dahil sa boses na lango sa alak, pagtatalong walang kahit na anong basehan, at takot sapagkat wala akong matatakasan. Wala akong ibang mapupuntahan. 

***

Nasa A. Bonifacio na kami nang muli kong namalayan ang aking kapaligiran. Nawala na naman pala ako sa pag-alala ng mga mapapait kong karanasan noong bata pa ako. Hindi ko tuloy napansin na nakapag-exit na pala kami ng NLEX, at gabi na naman pala.

Ilang taon na rin mula nung huli ko syang nakita. Pero hanggang ngayon, naaalala ko pa sya, at ang mga nagawa nya.

Sana, mag-umaga na.

Balik-tanaw

Ilang ulit ko nang tinangka na ilahad ang aking nararamdaman sa pamamagitan ng wikang una kong natutunan. Ilang ulit na rin akong nabigo. Bigo hindi dahil salat ang bukal ng aking inspirasyon at kaisipan kundi bigo sapagkat waring ibinaon ko na sa limot ang indayog ng lirisismong Pilipino.

Nasaan na ang dating ako na hindi lamang matatas sa pagbigkas ng Filipino kundi mahusay din sa pagsasatitik ng mga kaisipan?

In the here and now

Right here, right now, waiting. It's a judgment I never want to hear. It's a hearing I never want to be judged. I know my worth, but I also know what I've done, and what I am continuing to do. Yes, I am part of this group, but it's a part I so reluctantly want to own. One day, two days, three months, four years. All are part of an inconceivable plan that I cannot foresee, nor forego.

I don't know what to do.

Happiness

Thank you for not letting me go.

Feels so nice to be happy.

Again.

Walk Away

What happens when you feel your heart breaking into a million pieces and you feel there is nothing you can do to thwart it? When you know you are walking into a known cliff and you cannot, for the life of you, see how deep it is? How often do you need to witness instances that you know will hurt you before you actually turn your back to curb more hurt?

Further, what if the assurance that you receive from the beginning no longer gives you comfort and ease? What if only hearing those three little words will rest your heart, and yet, it is never said, and will not be forthcoming anytime soon? And you saying those words instead will lead that person away forever?

What happens when, amidst all these confusion, you question yourself once more? Your worth, your relevance, your importance? How will you hold up when you continuously measure yourself against others to whom you get tired of being compared? 

Will you stick around and see if the road would eventually lead to a better way?

Or would you, just, walk away?

Fear

But what of the fact that you are 

with another almost all of the time? Will I 

be firm enough to withstand this 

most crucial stage? If I can't, then 

everything will most certainly crumble. 

All will fail. And dissolve 

into nothingness. From which it came. And 

to which, 

it might eventually end.

You

I could hear you snore

in this dimly lit room, where

we share the most precious

of gifts

I remember you say those words

me, falling swiftly into your arms

as you fall into mine, makes

me smile

and dream, that a future

might one day bring, that same warmth

i had before, and kept on

longing for

could it be you?

Just when I thought I could get off the hook...

Jo-Anne was twirling around her office doing steps close to those they do in Broadway. And in the course of her flamboyant spinning, she accidentally shoved my office Macbook, which until that time was innocently placed at the edge of her table. I never imagined a new Macbook can fall that fast from the table to the floor. In those few seconds, I heard nothing but a loud bang and a deafening silence accompanied by a surreal thought that my Macbook is permanently damaged. I was shocked and I couldn't move. 

Until now.

This sucks.

Big time.

Tsk tsk

I'm procrastinating! Waaa!!!

Lady in Red

You were in red, stunning the way you stood up in that crowd that night. I saw you moving along the fast beat of that bar's music, gracefully sweeping everyone's attention to you, until you stared at me with that bemused expression. And for a fraction of a moment, in that particular space in time, time stood still for me. The crazy people dancing their hearts away dissolved in the background. The dancing lights moved to a halt. Yes, it was at that point, in that place, that I remember you the most. It was then when everything went into slow motion. 

And no one remained but you and me.

Lady in Red

I've never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight

I've never seen you shine so bright

I've never seen so many men ask you if you wanted to dance

They're looking for a little romance, given half a chance

I have never seen that dress you're wearing

Or the highlights in your head that catch your eyes I have been blind

The lady in red is dancing with me cheek to cheek

There's nobody here, it's just you and me, It's where I wanna be

But I hardly know this beauty by my side

I'll never forget, the way you look tonight

I've never seen you looking so gorgeous as you did tonight

I've never seen you shine so bright you were amazing

I've never seen so many people want to be there by your side

And when you turned to me and smiled, It took my breath away

I have never had such a feeling

Such a feeling of complete and utter like, as I do tonight

The lady in red is dancing with me cheek to cheek

There's nobody here, it's just you and me, It's where I wanna be

But I hardly know this beauty by my side

I'll never forget, the way you look tonight

The way you look tonight

I never will forget, the way you look tonight

The lady in red

The lady in red

The lady in red

My lady in red...

Of lakes and stars

In a span of a decade, everything has drastically changed and if you have noticed, it has become increasingly difficult for me to vividly recall a memory attached to a place or a thing... 

-MakMak, Higher ground: Up to the Rooftop

San Pablo, for me, has not yet become Makati, for you. I still recognize the old houses lining that lonely boulevard where our house still stands on. I still see those wonderful trees giving shade to the city, though, like you, I have never climbed any of them for the hunt of caterpillars.

But then, even as I still have clear memories of buildings erected in my hometown, like you, much has also been lost. Many trees have long been used as firewood. Many fields have already become houses and buildings. The one big playground where we usually flew our kites on is now a track field for San Pablo's growing population.

But, more than these, what I miss the most about my hometown are the people who I grew up there with. It's the friends who I never see anymore. It's the school rivals we have always had upon dismissal of classes in the afternoons. It's the crowd in my org as we planned to conquer the world.

Now, so many years after, and still miles and miles short of my quest to rule the earth, I look back in my hometown with silent hope and confident pride. Hope that I too, like many others before me, will make my hometown proud. And pride, that once I reach that dream, I can and will always say, I am, in my mind and in my heart, truly, a son of that City of Seven Lakes.

Lakes that will always reflect the beauty of your rooftop's star-adorned sky.

FUCK THEM ALL.

Eight Months

Because I missed partying tonight due to some circumstances beyond my control, melancholy kicked in--or more precisely, the feeling of longing for someone to hold and be with re-surfaced. While surfing the net and hanging out in my usual sites, I remembered the feeling of having someone to converse with during these lonely times. I remembered the feeling of sharing one's life with someone else, and then growing in the process. 

More than anything else, it's that connection to someone that keeps me looking back. 

I've been single for a few months now. Eight months to be exact. The longest time that I have been single since I was 20. Six years do pass by swiftly, and sometimes, when one gets used to routines all those years, it's hard not to miss it. The comfortable feeling almost always has its way of creeping back to your consciousness.

No matter how much you tell yourself you already changed.

You realize, some things just keep on coming back.

My Humble Home

I was surfing the boob tube when I chanced upon this travel show in TV 5, Travel on a Shoestring. I got interested when the host, from the very start of the show, mentioned how there are lots of places that one can go to with a budget of just under five thousand bucks.

Being the cheapskate that I sometimes purport myself to be, I decided to give the show a chance to wow me. And wowed was I when I realized the place they were doing a review on was my one and only hometown, San Pablo City.

It's so weird watching a review of my own hometown. For one, it makes me think why, despite my 17 years in San Pablo, I haven't been to all of those places that they went to. For another, none of any of those featured in TV seem to be the way they really are in real life.

For instance, the inn that the host stayed in for two nights is just across the grade school that I went to. And despite studying in that place for nine years, not once have I seen how it looks like inside. My impression of the place has always been one that is frequented by people of questionable professions. I was surprised, greatly I might add, to discover how homey it is inside and not at all what I thought it was. Imagine me going to and from that place for nine years bearing in mind a specific notion of the place, only to know now how wrong I have been all the while. Talk about not knowing what you have when you have it. Geez.

But on another angle, the supposedly nice sceneries that they went to are not that pleasing at all. Not to put my hometown down, but Sampaloc Lake, for instance, long lost its luster and charm, at least in my eyes. It's no longer as pristine as it used to be. The people living around it, the "villagers" as the host of the show called them, has contributed much, very much, to the lake's decline. Even the air that the host of the show so intently complimented isn't as good as it seems to be. Now, the lake (or more precisely, the circumference of the lake) only serves as a jogging path for me on those few occasions when I go home. Bummer, right?

But whatever was said about the places in my hometown, however it was depicted in the show, good or bad, San Pablo City still remains a special place to me. If Ateneo were the one that ushered me into adulthood, it is San Pablo that built the foundations of my life. There, I learned the meaning of morality. There, my values were formed.

Even as I have now physically left the place, even if I now would feel no one but a stranger in those places that I have grown up in, San Pablo will forever be etched in my mind and in my heart as that place that first molded me into who I am now.

It will forever be my home.

My first humble home.

Ritual of the Lost

When life weighs down on me big time, like it's doing now, I have three things I need to do on my own first before I break down in front of my friends. First is the incessant thinking and wishing. Thinking of what I have done that led me to the predicament I am into and wishing that I hadn't done those things in the first place. 

Then, when I am just about beaten to a pulp due to my continuous wallowing in self-pity, I turn to that place that has always given me solace and comfort, my sanctuary from this real world. There I compose myself, pull on shreds to mend my broken self, and emerge as if I were as good as new. 

Lastly, there comes the resolution that I shall emerge from that pit, that I shall fight back with all my God-given talents, that I shall be me, the fighter, the go-getter, the never-say-die soldier. When this stage comes, I almost always have furrowed eyebrows all the time, ready to snap back at anything and everything that dares provoke me.

Then if and when nothing comes out of it, if after this ritual has been performed and I still am at a lost, it's the time that I call in the troops. It's the time for back up. Time to rant and bash all those that/who caused me pain. I gather strength from the people around me and use it to bounce back.

Then I recover and become happy again.

Then I become stronger.

Then I become ready when, once more, life will pull its rank on me and weigh me down. Big time.

New Cubicle

We just transferred to a new office. Wee!!! The only thing is, I'm a bit disoriented because (1) dunno where all my files went, and (2) the bigger cubicle I now occupy seems too big for me (coming from my old cubicle, that is, hehe).  But, mind you, I'm not complaining at all. Why? I now have a view! Yey. Add that to the fact that my Sun signal is now always in full bars, and I have a new and exciting cubicle experience ahead of me. Coolness!

Taking off

Sometimes, all it takes is one simple skin with one simple entry to bring me back to reality.

I'm back.

Out Tonight

As usual, my stay in Fontana let me discover music that I have never known to be descriptive of my life now. It amazes me how a song that I have always loved can still take on a new meaning as I grow and mature.

For all those who still don't know me yet, this is how mature I am now (hehe ;p):

OUT TONIGHT

What's The Time?

Well It's Gotta Be Close To Midnight

My Body's Talking To Me

It Says, 'Time For Danger'

It Says 'I Wanna Commit A Crime

Wanna Be The Cause Of A Fight

Wanna Put On A Tight Skirt And Flirt

With A Stranger'

I've Had A Knack From Way Back

At Breaking The Rules Once I Learn The Games

Get Up - Life's Too Quick

I Know Someplace Sick

Where This Chick'll Dance In The Flames

We Don't Need Any Money

I Always Get In For Free

You Can Get In Too

If You Get In With Me

Let's Go Out Tonight

I Have To Go Out Tonight

You Wanna Play?

Let's Run Away

We Won't Be Back

Before It's Christmas Day

Take Me Out Tonight (Meow)

When I Get A Wink From The Doorman

Do You Know How Lucky You'll Be?

That You're On Line With The Feline Of Avenue B

Let's Go Out Tonight

I Have To Go Out Tonight

You Wanna Prowl

Be My Night Owl?

Well Take My Hand We're Gonna Howl

Out Tonight

In The Evening I've Got To Roam

Can't Sleep At In The City Of Neon And Chrome

Feels Too Damn Much Like Home

When The Spanish Babies Cry

So Let's Find A Bar

So Dark We Forget Who We Are

And All The Scars From The

Nevers And Maybes Die

Let's Go Out Tonight

Have To Go Out Tonight

You're Sweet

Wanna Hit The Street?

Wanna Wail At The Moon Like A Cat In Heat?

Just Take Me Out Tonight

Please Take Me Out Tonight

Don't Forsake Me - Out Tonight

I'll Let You Make Me - Out Tonight

Tonight - Tonight - Tonight

Argh

I'm sad. I'm so sad I can't even put into words how I feel. I just know that I have had a really shitty week, and I just so want it to end. 

I need to bounce back.

Saturday Nights

It has always been the darkness that enticed me. The black background amidst the sudden flash of light blinding me as I groove on the dance floor. That invisible fluid carrying a distinct aroma of combined smoke, sweat and perfume emanating from people all around. Yes, it's the anonymity of a Saturday night out in a place where strangers gyrate their bodies together, forming one pool of temporary bliss, that keeps me high and upbeat.

***

There's nothing like feeling the conditioned air as the bouncer checks out your pockets, as you part that thick curtain separating the world outside from that within, as you scan the dance floor for people you know and people who you might be interested to know, as you climb that staircase to the bar on the second floor, as you order that first bottle of beer before heading to your usual place, and just hanging out while exuding an aura of both confidence and shyness.

There is something to be said as you begin to settle down and become aware of the new surrounding, as you begin to take notice of what track is being played, as you begin to move your body to the beat like it has been programmed ever since.

Then just as suddenly, subtle movements become insufficient. You take your next bottle of beer and your body begins to sway more, your words come out too slow, your movements become careless, and yes, carefree.

Then you gulp your next bottles of beer without you noticing it, until you become tired of your usual hang out place. Then you decide to descend the stairs and dig in the dance floor just beside the ledge, where you dance like you've never danced before, hands up in the air, whole body swaying with the beat, feet step dancing, lips mimicking the song, and jumping up and down with careless abandon as you and the people around you shout at the top of your lungs when the music reaches its chorus.

The whole place rocks as you feel your whole world rock with it. Then you feel the sweat trickling down your eyes, caressing your cheeks, kissing your lips.

And you realize that it's time to rest.

So you retreat from the dance floor, and head to your favorite spot upstairs, near the walkway where everyone passes by. The best place to see and be seen. You compose yourself, wipe the sweat off your face, tug on your clothes and resume being both confident and shy.

Until you see that one person at the corner of your eye.

That one person you know you will want to get to know more that night. You stare as that person stares back, feeling the sexual tension between you, romancing the electrifying tug of that two meters in between.

Then the music slows down, the people around you fade in the background. All you think about is bridging that distance between you and that hot person giving you the sexiest look you have ever seen. You take one step, the person another, and like the swirling lights of that club that night, you take that person deeply entwined in your arms.

And then you kiss.

Hard. Passionate. Euphoric.

The black background amidst the sudden flash of light has given you the dance floor. The invisible fluid of combined smoke, sweat and perfume has led you to the one. The anonymity of a Saturday night out, in a place where strangers gyrate their bodies together, has kept you high and upbeat.

All else is forgotten. Nothing exists but the hit of the alcohol and the fleeting allure of the moment. Nothing remains but the darkness that enticed you in the first place. Only this time, it has served its purpose.

You have sealed your conquest for the night.

 

Just before work

I have been too much involved in work lately that I barely have time to do the little stuff that needs to be done around the house. First, our freaking CR light bulb gave up on us since two weeks ago. That means we have been using a small lamp for lighting in everything we do in there. And I tell you, when you're on the throne wanting to read a magazine or two, a poorly lit place won't do at all. Argh. Second, our place is in much need of an overdue general cleaning. The counter table's a mess, the floor's gross, and appliances are white from dust. I'm surprised I am still able to live in my place. Hay. Then of course, there's the matter about buying supplies like groceries, toiletries and stuff. Last night, I bought soap from the friendly neighborhood sari-sari store, which of course isn't what I'm using because they don't have that, and it bums me out big time. Hay.

No wonder my mom always told us it's difficult to live in the real world. We work so we can really live. But what's real to us eventually becomes jaded because the tools we need for us to live our lives becomes our life itself. It seems that we neglect to actually live, which was supposedly the purpose of work in the first place. How ironic is that? If, because of work, one doesn't have time for the little stuff, how else could one do the more important stuff?

Tsk tsk.

(And yeah, I know I shouldn't treat work as just a means to live but as a part of my life, too. But at times when I get too tired or frustrated, it's easy to forget that. Argh. I just need distraction, I know. Anyone willing to apply? Hehe..)

More Ideas in Love

This song is one of the many reasons why I—we—am (are) all enthralled with the idea of falling in love. I couldn't help but pause and hold my breath the moment I heard the first few lines. Will I find that dream? Will I wake up one day and say that I have found that someone? Will I ever hold my breath again and say, "O My, that's my dream"?

How I miss that feeling of being in love.

When I First Saw You

**Jamie Foxx Version**

When I first saw you

I said "O My", I said "O My"

That's a dream

That's my dream

I needed a dream

When it all seemed to go bad

Then I found you

And I have had the most beautiful dreams any man's ever had

When I first saw you

I said "O My", "O My"

That's my dream

That's my dream

I needed a dream

To make me strong

You were the only reason I had to go on

[Chorus]

You were my dream

All the things I never knew

You were my dream

Who could believe they could ever come true

And who would believe

The world would believe

And my dreams too

When I first saw you

I said "O My", "O My"

That's my dream

Atenista ako

Fine, late entry na kung late entry. Pero ngayong panahong 'to, walang makatatanggi, ang sarap maging Atenista!!! Woohoo!!! Mainggit na lahat ng maiinggit! ;p

Ideas in Love

Once, when I was still in college, my very close friend told me that I might have just been in love with the idea of being in love when I decided to plunge into my very first relationship. In hindsight, I think she was right. But I know I wasn't just that. I was also in love. And I have proven that over and over again as months became years, as my relationship succeeded that of any friend we've ever known, as I have grown into the relationship just as my significant other had. And since then, I never stopped growing. I never stopped loving. 

As I moved on from one relationship to the next, it was as if I was in a roller coaster ride, both excited and exhilarated, but at the same time, never forgetting that it's a rush that's meant to be enjoyed only for a short time. Because after being in love, after experiencing those chills down the spine, the more difficult question of staying in love comes in.

And that's why I am writing this entry. By history, I never had a problem with that. I have always stood by my decision to love. But since I broke up with my most recent ex six months ago, since I have been single for the longest time since I was 20, I have had this weird sense of self.

Now, I fall deeply in love in just a short span of time. Colors become brighter just like that. The world becomes a better place to live in.

But it doesn't last.

Just as suddenly, the colors lose their hue. The world becomes dull. The almost pathetic drooling in love boy resumes being the pragmatic lawyer that he is. 

And it makes me wonder. Is it just me? Or is it that I still haven't found the right one again? Is it my lifestyle now, or just the style that I handle my relationship? Am I really ready to love, or am I once more just in love with the idea of being in love?