Waiting

Last week, when I wrote this entry, seemed so long ago. Nothing and everything has changed since then. I suppose this is the fate that has always been written for me. I just didn't want to accept it. Now, I have to.

It's just that, sometimes, it is difficult to imagine life more cruel than this.

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So I'm here in PGH, waiting, again. I have often wondered how it will be if I didn't choose this life with that someone. Will I be happier? More fulfilled with my life? Will I have more friends? These are questions that are all subsumed in the realm of conjecture. All that I will have no way of knowing. That is,

until I break free.

Totally. Completely.

That kind when I could look back at all these and laugh at how consumed I was with how I felt. That kind when I would neither feel hurt nor bitterness. That kind when I would already be with someone else.

But I haven't reached that stage. And I could not see how I could in the near future. And so, I'm here.

Waiting. And waiting. And waiting.

Sana may dumating na.

New phone

Yep, I'm officially loving my phone. From texting to calling to fb-ing to blogging, I'm so using it.

Hope this fascination lasts this time..

A long while

It's been a long time since I got excited over something. That type when one can tell that I'm really into it.

Today is one of those times. The reason? There are three.

One, my mac's fully functioning, and once more, all good to go! After the headache I got last night after discovering that I cant boot my mac, today's course of events was truly a welcome and exciting one.

Second, I have a freaking new phone!!! And I'm loving it! Thanks, Ker, for not consulting me. Otherwise, you're right, I wont be able to have the guts to buy it. And because you didn't, I have a new phone!!!

Third, and one that rounds up the preceding two--which cannot even begin to explain how it makes me giddy like a school boy with a new toy--is the fact that I am now so synced! The contacts in my phone are all products of careful mac and software manipulations! This, added to the fact that I can now update my facebook, twitter, and blog (yep, I'm typing this entry in my phone) with just one device, without the hassle of booting and shutting down a laptop makes me jump up and down with nothing less than pure bliss.

So yeah, I like this day. And I am right to have been too excited about it!

In dreams

So I dreamt of him again last night, my dad. And like the others before, the dream wasn't pretty. Something almost always happens which is reminiscent of how he used to be. With one difference: I always fought back in my dreams. And I always win. How I envisioned myself acting now that I can stand on my own feet is how the dreams end. It's sort of a major production finale--except that he's no longer around to see how it turned out.

Which bothers me.

After 7 long years, am I still clinging to a hatred I swore I would forego all these years? Was I in that much pain that, until now, the feeling lingers, albeit subconsciously?

He died 7 years ago. And after 7 years, I know I should now forego all these.

The only question is, could I?

Good Morning

I still greet you good morning everyday--even if you don't get to hear it anymore. Not lately, at least. I recognize the fact that it has been difficult for us both to start something anew, if both of us still had strings hanging in our old lives. I do not blame you, really, nor do I blame myself. It is what it is. The fates have brought our paths together and it is only the same fate that shall determine our future--be it together or not. I believe, our timing could not have been more significant--nor as destructive. We met each other at a time when we both dearly needed people to hold on to--yet it was also a time when we both knew we cannot hold on for long.

And so we let ourselves get swayed by the tides; and patiently waited where the water will lead us.

Not knowing it was leading us here--where there is no us. Where there could never be an us.

Now, as I look back to our time together, I see it was time spent healing our broken hearts, washing away the pain of our experiences, and mending that part of ourselves that was ripped apart. But like disinfectants to a raw wound, we were there merely to pass each other by, to touch just a small part of each other's lives. With no purpose of staying. With no capability of being attached.

So the good mornings I give you shall never reach your ears, the heartfelt thanks I feel for you, you will never know. But if, in the future, you do remember me, and think about those brief moments we were together, know this: you will forever be the one that ushered me to a new life, one where I have moved on, and for that, a million good mornings will never ever suffice.

Good morning, K. And thank you.