Happiness

Take away the stress from work and one good thing remains apparent: I am happy. Really happy. Thanks, M.

Dear Diary

It's 2:40 in the afternoon and all I can do is look at my office window whenever I tire of surfing the net. But this is not for lack of many many things to do, mind you. It's just one of those days when all I wanna do is lie around at home and watch dvds. It is also one of those days when I wish I were as rich as the latest lotto winners because by then, I would have quit my job, set up my own corporation, and manage the business that I have always dreamt of having--loads of cash and minimum work. Haha. Yun nga lang, what business I have in mind takes time before I can rake in the cash. But oh well. 

Going back to reality, I'm so waiting for 6pm to come. It's Friday! Ahhh. I remember the time when I used to go out every weekend. Such was the life of a single guy. Not that I miss it. I just remember it, nothing more. No worries for you there, M. Hehe. So now that all I can dream of is the 6pm bell, I wonder what I'll do by then. Hmm, M's not here. I'm sure K's off somewhere with friends. The other M's not replying to my messages (yes, yes, I may have given M a reason not to--and I apologize for that--but at that time, well, my life was swirling. I couldn't even reply to my cousin who was going to be arraigned at that time. Argh. Those times were hell.) That leaves me with my law school and college friends, which couldn't help either. T is once more in the boondocks with the boondocks friends, and the rest of the college peeps are meeting tomorrow and not tonight.

Hmm. Now that I'm writing about this, it makes me wonder if I really couldn't contact anyone to hang out with tonight. Naman! Sige nga, since it's just 2:56 at my time, I'd try to get in touch with all peeps. That gives me more or less three hours to organize my thoughts and decide on what I want to do tonight.

Gotta go. See yah.

Escape

I don't wanna live in constant fear, ever questioning the wisdom of my decisions and the propriety of my actions. Takes just one slip to completely erode my whole day's work. I don't want this anymore. I need escape.

Question Number Two

If you won an argument against someone smarter than you, how would you feel?

Ecstatic, right? Right.

Question

What if his/her ex weighs more than you in his/her eyes?

Every success begins with difficulty

So C, my ex, called me last night upon reading my previous entry. It was a call that offered (I think) comfort to whatever I am going through these days. Apparently, C has still been reading my blog entries. 

Anyway, it was kinda sweet, really, if only I was fully awake to understand what was being said to me on the phone. You see, I didn't get much rest the night before (M and I, and some of M's college friends, took on the challenge of downing tequila bottles despite early morning commitments, argh). Thus, last night, I was in bed really really early (as in 10pm early). So when I got the call, I was already droning while in dreamland.

Hence, I couldn't recall what C and I talked about. Haha. Kumusta naman yun? What I am sure of though is that it was a very short talk followed by a lot of "huh", "who's this again?", and "oo". Not to be snobbish but, oh well, such is the life of a person who talks while half asleep. Haha.

Early today, upon waking up, I saw a text message from C. It was a litany of how I can get through this and that "every success begins with difficulty" (or something to this effect, I mistakenly deleted the message, but thanks, C). I forwarded this to M (before I mistakenly deleted it) and, not surprisingly, M agreed. Hmm.. Now that's the only thing my ex and my present have in common aside from me. And I hope it stops there. Hehe..

But for what it's worth, I know they mean well. In fact, I have been trying to believe in that since I found myself in this predicament. But you see, undergoing this problem is not as easy. Despite telling myself that it will get better, somehow, waking up every morning on the verge of tears before leaving the house blurs the words and clarifies the difference. 

And often, I ask myself, is it worth it?

Is it?

It's time

I'm suffocating. I look at my office window and I see the big world out there, yet I am here, unable to move and soar like how I want to. Everyone around me makes me believe that staying is the only option that I have at the moment, but all that I know is that I'm dying every second that I stay. Every waking moment is a struggle. Every thought of going here is torture. I want to go. I want to be free again. I want to re-evaluate my life and check how I have come to this state. I remember my vow last year, that I would never let anyone stump on who I am and what I want to be. Now, that vow seemed to have been made in another age. And it seemed too long ago.

But now that my limit is almost at hand, that tiny seed of dissension grows each day. That vow is coming back. I am leaving. I have to. There is no place for me here and this place have no room in heart anymore.

I am going.