I could hear you snore
in this dimly lit room, where
we share the most precious
of gifts
I remember you say those words
me, falling swiftly into your arms
as you fall into mine, makes
me smile
and dream, that a future
might one day bring, that same warmth
i had before, and kept on
longing for
could it be you?
Jo-Anne was twirling around her office doing steps close to those they do in Broadway. And in the course of her flamboyant spinning, she accidentally shoved my office Macbook, which until that time was innocently placed at the edge of her table. I never imagined a new Macbook can fall that fast from the table to the floor. In those few seconds, I heard nothing but a loud bang and a deafening silence accompanied by a surreal thought that my Macbook is permanently damaged. I was shocked and I couldn't move.
Until now.
This sucks.
Big time.
You were in red, stunning the way you stood up in that crowd that night. I saw you moving along the fast beat of that bar's music, gracefully sweeping everyone's attention to you, until you stared at me with that bemused expression. And for a fraction of a moment, in that particular space in time, time stood still for me. The crazy people dancing their hearts away dissolved in the background. The dancing lights moved to a halt. Yes, it was at that point, in that place, that I remember you the most. It was then when everything went into slow motion.
And no one remained but you and me.
Lady in Red
I've never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight
I've never seen you shine so bright
I've never seen so many men ask you if you wanted to dance
They're looking for a little romance, given half a chance
I have never seen that dress you're wearing
Or the highlights in your head that catch your eyes I have been blind
The lady in red is dancing with me cheek to cheek
There's nobody here, it's just you and me, It's where I wanna be
But I hardly know this beauty by my side
I'll never forget, the way you look tonight
I've never seen you looking so gorgeous as you did tonight
I've never seen you shine so bright you were amazing
I've never seen so many people want to be there by your side
And when you turned to me and smiled, It took my breath away
I have never had such a feeling
Such a feeling of complete and utter like, as I do tonight
The lady in red is dancing with me cheek to cheek
There's nobody here, it's just you and me, It's where I wanna be
But I hardly know this beauty by my side
I'll never forget, the way you look tonight
The way you look tonight
I never will forget, the way you look tonight
The lady in red
The lady in red
The lady in red
My lady in red...
In a span of a decade, everything has drastically changed and if you have noticed, it has become increasingly difficult for me to vividly recall a memory attached to a place or a thing...
-MakMak, Higher ground: Up to the Rooftop
San Pablo, for me, has not yet become Makati, for you. I still recognize the old houses lining that lonely boulevard where our house still stands on. I still see those wonderful trees giving shade to the city, though, like you, I have never climbed any of them for the hunt of caterpillars.
But then, even as I still have clear memories of buildings erected in my hometown, like you, much has also been lost. Many trees have long been used as firewood. Many fields have already become houses and buildings. The one big playground where we usually flew our kites on is now a track field for San Pablo's growing population.
But, more than these, what I miss the most about my hometown are the people who I grew up there with. It's the friends who I never see anymore. It's the school rivals we have always had upon dismissal of classes in the afternoons. It's the crowd in my org as we planned to conquer the world.
Now, so many years after, and still miles and miles short of my quest to rule the earth, I look back in my hometown with silent hope and confident pride. Hope that I too, like many others before me, will make my hometown proud. And pride, that once I reach that dream, I can and will always say, I am, in my mind and in my heart, truly, a son of that City of Seven Lakes.
Lakes that will always reflect the beauty of your rooftop's star-adorned sky.
Because I missed partying tonight due to some circumstances beyond my control, melancholy kicked in--or more precisely, the feeling of longing for someone to hold and be with re-surfaced. While surfing the net and hanging out in my usual sites, I remembered the feeling of having someone to converse with during these lonely times. I remembered the feeling of sharing one's life with someone else, and then growing in the process.
More than anything else, it's that connection to someone that keeps me looking back.
I've been single for a few months now. Eight months to be exact. The longest time that I have been single since I was 20. Six years do pass by swiftly, and sometimes, when one gets used to routines all those years, it's hard not to miss it. The comfortable feeling almost always has its way of creeping back to your consciousness.
No matter how much you tell yourself you already changed.
You realize, some things just keep on coming back.
I was surfing the boob tube when I chanced upon this travel show in TV 5, Travel on a Shoestring. I got interested when the host, from the very start of the show, mentioned how there are lots of places that one can go to with a budget of just under five thousand bucks.
Being the cheapskate that I sometimes purport myself to be, I decided to give the show a chance to wow me. And wowed was I when I realized the place they were doing a review on was my one and only hometown, San Pablo City.
It's so weird watching a review of my own hometown. For one, it makes me think why, despite my 17 years in San Pablo, I haven't been to all of those places that they went to. For another, none of any of those featured in TV seem to be the way they really are in real life.
For instance, the inn that the host stayed in for two nights is just across the grade school that I went to. And despite studying in that place for nine years, not once have I seen how it looks like inside. My impression of the place has always been one that is frequented by people of questionable professions. I was surprised, greatly I might add, to discover how homey it is inside and not at all what I thought it was. Imagine me going to and from that place for nine years bearing in mind a specific notion of the place, only to know now how wrong I have been all the while. Talk about not knowing what you have when you have it. Geez.
But on another angle, the supposedly nice sceneries that they went to are not that pleasing at all. Not to put my hometown down, but Sampaloc Lake, for instance, long lost its luster and charm, at least in my eyes. It's no longer as pristine as it used to be. The people living around it, the "villagers" as the host of the show called them, has contributed much, very much, to the lake's decline. Even the air that the host of the show so intently complimented isn't as good as it seems to be. Now, the lake (or more precisely, the circumference of the lake) only serves as a jogging path for me on those few occasions when I go home. Bummer, right?
But whatever was said about the places in my hometown, however it was depicted in the show, good or bad, San Pablo City still remains a special place to me. If Ateneo were the one that ushered me into adulthood, it is San Pablo that built the foundations of my life. There, I learned the meaning of morality. There, my values were formed.
Even as I have now physically left the place, even if I now would feel no one but a stranger in those places that I have grown up in, San Pablo will forever be etched in my mind and in my heart as that place that first molded me into who I am now.
It will forever be my home.
My first humble home.
When life weighs down on me big time, like it's doing now, I have three things I need to do on my own first before I break down in front of my friends. First is the incessant thinking and wishing. Thinking of what I have done that led me to the predicament I am into and wishing that I hadn't done those things in the first place.
Then, when I am just about beaten to a pulp due to my continuous wallowing in self-pity, I turn to that place that has always given me solace and comfort, my sanctuary from this real world. There I compose myself, pull on shreds to mend my broken self, and emerge as if I were as good as new.
Lastly, there comes the resolution that I shall emerge from that pit, that I shall fight back with all my God-given talents, that I shall be me, the fighter, the go-getter, the never-say-die soldier. When this stage comes, I almost always have furrowed eyebrows all the time, ready to snap back at anything and everything that dares provoke me.
Then if and when nothing comes out of it, if after this ritual has been performed and I still am at a lost, it's the time that I call in the troops. It's the time for back up. Time to rant and bash all those that/who caused me pain. I gather strength from the people around me and use it to bounce back.
Then I recover and become happy again.
Then I become stronger.
Then I become ready when, once more, life will pull its rank on me and weigh me down. Big time.
We just transferred to a new office. Wee!!! The only thing is, I'm a bit disoriented because (1) dunno where all my files went, and (2) the bigger cubicle I now occupy seems too big for me (coming from my old cubicle, that is, hehe). But, mind you, I'm not complaining at all. Why? I now have a view! Yey. Add that to the fact that my Sun signal is now always in full bars, and I have a new and exciting cubicle experience ahead of me. Coolness!
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Sometimes, all it takes is one simple skin with one simple entry to bring me back to reality.
I'm back.
As usual, my stay in Fontana let me discover music that I have never known to be descriptive of my life now. It amazes me how a song that I have always loved can still take on a new meaning as I grow and mature.
For all those who still don't know me yet, this is how mature I am now (hehe ;p):
OUT TONIGHT
What's The Time?
Well It's Gotta Be Close To Midnight
My Body's Talking To Me
It Says, 'Time For Danger'
It Says 'I Wanna Commit A Crime
Wanna Be The Cause Of A Fight
Wanna Put On A Tight Skirt And Flirt
With A Stranger'
I've Had A Knack From Way Back
At Breaking The Rules Once I Learn The Games
Get Up - Life's Too Quick
I Know Someplace Sick
Where This Chick'll Dance In The Flames
We Don't Need Any Money
I Always Get In For Free
You Can Get In Too
If You Get In With Me
Let's Go Out Tonight
I Have To Go Out Tonight
You Wanna Play?
Let's Run Away
We Won't Be Back
Before It's Christmas Day
Take Me Out Tonight (Meow)
When I Get A Wink From The Doorman
Do You Know How Lucky You'll Be?
That You're On Line With The Feline Of Avenue B
Let's Go Out Tonight
I Have To Go Out Tonight
You Wanna Prowl
Be My Night Owl?
Well Take My Hand We're Gonna Howl
Out Tonight
In The Evening I've Got To Roam
Can't Sleep At In The City Of Neon And Chrome
Feels Too Damn Much Like Home
When The Spanish Babies Cry
So Let's Find A Bar
So Dark We Forget Who We Are
And All The Scars From The
Nevers And Maybes Die
Let's Go Out Tonight
Have To Go Out Tonight
You're Sweet
Wanna Hit The Street?
Wanna Wail At The Moon Like A Cat In Heat?
Just Take Me Out Tonight
Please Take Me Out Tonight
Don't Forsake Me - Out Tonight
I'll Let You Make Me - Out Tonight
Tonight - Tonight - Tonight
It has always been the darkness that enticed me. The black background amidst the sudden flash of light blinding me as I groove on the dance floor. That invisible fluid carrying a distinct aroma of combined smoke, sweat and perfume emanating from people all around. Yes, it's the anonymity of a Saturday night out in a place where strangers gyrate their bodies together, forming one pool of temporary bliss, that keeps me high and upbeat.
***
There's nothing like feeling the conditioned air as the bouncer checks out your pockets, as you part that thick curtain separating the world outside from that within, as you scan the dance floor for people you know and people who you might be interested to know, as you climb that staircase to the bar on the second floor, as you order that first bottle of beer before heading to your usual place, and just hanging out while exuding an aura of both confidence and shyness.
There is something to be said as you begin to settle down and become aware of the new surrounding, as you begin to take notice of what track is being played, as you begin to move your body to the beat like it has been programmed ever since.
Then just as suddenly, subtle movements become insufficient. You take your next bottle of beer and your body begins to sway more, your words come out too slow, your movements become careless, and yes, carefree.
Then you gulp your next bottles of beer without you noticing it, until you become tired of your usual hang out place. Then you decide to descend the stairs and dig in the dance floor just beside the ledge, where you dance like you've never danced before, hands up in the air, whole body swaying with the beat, feet step dancing, lips mimicking the song, and jumping up and down with careless abandon as you and the people around you shout at the top of your lungs when the music reaches its chorus.
The whole place rocks as you feel your whole world rock with it. Then you feel the sweat trickling down your eyes, caressing your cheeks, kissing your lips.
And you realize that it's time to rest.
So you retreat from the dance floor, and head to your favorite spot upstairs, near the walkway where everyone passes by. The best place to see and be seen. You compose yourself, wipe the sweat off your face, tug on your clothes and resume being both confident and shy.
Until you see that one person at the corner of your eye.
That one person you know you will want to get to know more that night. You stare as that person stares back, feeling the sexual tension between you, romancing the electrifying tug of that two meters in between.
Then the music slows down, the people around you fade in the background. All you think about is bridging that distance between you and that hot person giving you the sexiest look you have ever seen. You take one step, the person another, and like the swirling lights of that club that night, you take that person deeply entwined in your arms.
And then you kiss.
Hard. Passionate. Euphoric.
The black background amidst the sudden flash of light has given you the dance floor. The invisible fluid of combined smoke, sweat and perfume has led you to the one. The anonymity of a Saturday night out, in a place where strangers gyrate their bodies together, has kept you high and upbeat.
All else is forgotten. Nothing exists but the hit of the alcohol and the fleeting allure of the moment. Nothing remains but the darkness that enticed you in the first place. Only this time, it has served its purpose.
You have sealed your conquest for the night.
I have been too much involved in work lately that I barely have time to do the little stuff that needs to be done around the house. First, our freaking CR light bulb gave up on us since two weeks ago. That means we have been using a small lamp for lighting in everything we do in there. And I tell you, when you're on the throne wanting to read a magazine or two, a poorly lit place won't do at all. Argh. Second, our place is in much need of an overdue general cleaning. The counter table's a mess, the floor's gross, and appliances are white from dust. I'm surprised I am still able to live in my place. Hay. Then of course, there's the matter about buying supplies like groceries, toiletries and stuff. Last night, I bought soap from the friendly neighborhood sari-sari store, which of course isn't what I'm using because they don't have that, and it bums me out big time. Hay.
No wonder my mom always told us it's difficult to live in the real world. We work so we can really live. But what's real to us eventually becomes jaded because the tools we need for us to live our lives becomes our life itself. It seems that we neglect to actually live, which was supposedly the purpose of work in the first place. How ironic is that? If, because of work, one doesn't have time for the little stuff, how else could one do the more important stuff?
Tsk tsk.
(And yeah, I know I shouldn't treat work as just a means to live but as a part of my life, too. But at times when I get too tired or frustrated, it's easy to forget that. Argh. I just need distraction, I know. Anyone willing to apply? Hehe..)
This song is one of the many reasons why I—we—am (are) all enthralled with the idea of falling in love. I couldn't help but pause and hold my breath the moment I heard the first few lines. Will I find that dream? Will I wake up one day and say that I have found that someone? Will I ever hold my breath again and say, "O My, that's my dream"?
How I miss that feeling of being in love.
When I First Saw You
**Jamie Foxx Version**
When I first saw you
I said "O My", I said "O My"
That's a dream
That's my dream
I needed a dream
When it all seemed to go bad
Then I found you
And I have had the most beautiful dreams any man's ever had
When I first saw you
I said "O My", "O My"
That's my dream
That's my dream
I needed a dream
To make me strong
You were the only reason I had to go on
[Chorus]
You were my dream
All the things I never knew
You were my dream
Who could believe they could ever come true
And who would believe
The world would believe
And my dreams too
When I first saw you
I said "O My", "O My"
That's my dream
Once, when I was still in college, my very close friend told me that I might have just been in love with the idea of being in love when I decided to plunge into my very first relationship. In hindsight, I think she was right. But I know I wasn't just that. I was also in love. And I have proven that over and over again as months became years, as my relationship succeeded that of any friend we've ever known, as I have grown into the relationship just as my significant other had. And since then, I never stopped growing. I never stopped loving.
As I moved on from one relationship to the next, it was as if I was in a roller coaster ride, both excited and exhilarated, but at the same time, never forgetting that it's a rush that's meant to be enjoyed only for a short time. Because after being in love, after experiencing those chills down the spine, the more difficult question of staying in love comes in.
And that's why I am writing this entry. By history, I never had a problem with that. I have always stood by my decision to love. But since I broke up with my most recent ex six months ago, since I have been single for the longest time since I was 20, I have had this weird sense of self.
Now, I fall deeply in love in just a short span of time. Colors become brighter just like that. The world becomes a better place to live in.
But it doesn't last.
Just as suddenly, the colors lose their hue. The world becomes dull. The almost pathetic drooling in love boy resumes being the pragmatic lawyer that he is.
And it makes me wonder. Is it just me? Or is it that I still haven't found the right one again? Is it my lifestyle now, or just the style that I handle my relationship? Am I really ready to love, or am I once more just in love with the idea of being in love?
On my way to Fontana for the first time an hour from now. Unfortunately, not to have fun, but to work. And not for the whole weekend, but until tomorrow only. Nonetheless, I'm excited. If only I weren't feeling sick today. If only I haven't taken in too much drugs for my age today. If only I weren't heading off to Batangas on Friday. Hayz. Some things just couldn't be perfect. But hey, who's complaining? I'm getting paid anyway, right? Right.
Anyway, partying is just a couple of nights away. I think I could suck it up 'til then. Hehe ;p
So I find myself staring at my laptop once more. The plans of working today has gone down the drain because the unplanned drinking of last night left me weak and downright unproductive. As usual. Hmm, this is slowly becoming a weekly routine. I dunno if I should be glad or alarmed. But since I'm still liking it, perhaps I should reserve my musings for another day.
Yep, for another day.
I used to be an INFJ in college; and I've come a long way since then. ;p
Your result for The LONG Scientific Personality Test...
You scored 73% I to E, 79% N to S, 62% F to T, and 26% J to P!
As a romantic partner, you communicate very clearly your strong opinions so your partner always knows where they stand. You are dependable, responsible, and rock solid. You can be rather infexible about giving up any control and insist on keeping a schedule, although you have great energy and enthusiam for planned adventures. You have difficulty seeing other's points of view and your biggest downfall in a relationship is dismissing your partner's feelings as illogical. You feel most appreciated for being trustworthy, efficient, and productive. You wish to be thanked tangibly for the ways you keep your lives on track. Your group summary: Guardians (SJ) Your Type Summary: ESTJYour type is known as the supervisor, as you are not hesitant to give your stamp of approval on others - or tell them how they are lacking if they are. You are surprised when others don't seem grateful that you have set them straight. Your type also belongs to the larger group called guardians. Experience is what matters to you, not experimentation or conjecture. You often take a lead role in the many groups and organizations you belong to. You worry a great deal about society falling apart, morality degrading, and what the world is coming to. You share your personality type with 10% of the population.
There were times when, during some of my many solitary musings, I wondered how I never figured in any major accidents before. Not that I was wishing for it, mind you; in fact, I was thankful not to have been involved with any instance of that sort. It's just that it had occurred to me that I have been relatively safe my whole life.
Until today.
On my way back to the office from researching elsewhere (a story for another time, hehe), I experienced my first road accident. Seated at the back of the cab reading my research, I felt everything move in slow motion the way it does in movies. The cab driver's deep intake of breath accompanied by a strong thud of his foot on the break, the view of the car in front of us as the distance between the two cars became less and less every second, and my keen awareness of my cab's sliding motion as it swayed both me and the driver to an eventual hit. Everything was in slow motion until the actual crash--when everything almost instantly played in fast forward. This included the crashing sound by the destroyed hood, the sudden jolt of the car and me being smashed at the back of the passenger seat--all in a quarter of a second.
It was weird--the feeling of everything slowing down then almost as suddenly jerking in fast forward without you knowing any better. It's as if you were given one last chance to view everything without its complicity before it's literally snatched away from you.
What's more and what's really weird was that, despite the real danger I was in, at the back of my head, I felt like laughing. I felt like saying, "ah, so that's how it feels like to crash into another car."
Talk about one person being a total psycho. Tsk Tsk.
Maybe it was because I knew my life wasn't in any real danger. Maybe it was that I was safe because I was at the back of the car. I dunno. But whatever it was, it got me thinking. If I can laugh at the face of danger, if I can face disaster and still maintain a laughing composure, does it mean I'm brave? Or does it mean I'm just one stupid fool ready to die?
Dunno. Argh.
Makati is different during the weekends. There are less people, less traffic. It becomes a breeze traveling through Makati Avenue; no unnecessary hold up at the intersection of Jupiter street, nor at Gil Puyat avenue. Even the air seems to exude a certain freshness peculiarly absent when people are bustling around. It feels unrestricted and, literally, roomy.
Which was also the feeling I had when I entered the office yesterday. The lack of any other lawyers shuffling one paper too many made me feel relaxed. I wasn't too careful and composed when I did my business. My speakers were on, the whole room was filled with music I like and no one was there to be bothered with it. Even the use of Lex Libris was better. I didn't have to be conscious of using all the software windows for fear that others may not be able to access the same (only a certain number of windows can be opened at any given time due to license issues).
Yes, Makati is different during the weekends. And I like it.
There is something to be said about rediscovering the beauty of a place that has seemingly lost its splendor due only to familiarity. The once overwhelming structures and buildings which dissolve in the background weeks after their first viewing reclaim their wonder when, in a single day, the monotony of routine is broken. When the wave of the same thing disappears and alerts the mind that something is different, when the mind sharpens its senses once more in hope of identifying that which has become different, we discover the most wonderful things. We perceive that which has always been there yet we have never seen, or better yet, that which we have already seen but soon forgotten.
Funny how this happens to most of us most of the time. How we allow ourselves to get jaded with so many inconsequential things and events and routine that we are unable to see new ones as they come; or worse, how we allow ourselves to get swallowed by monotony that we forget what we have always known and truly enjoyed before.
Like home. Like friends. Like love.
Or even like the love of writing.
I wonder if, like Makati during the weekends, I can look at myself constantly in a different light, in an angle I have never seen before, and remember those that I have already forgotten, do the activities I haven't done in a long while, and write the insights that have already been suppressed to the recesses of my mind.
I wonder if I could re-invent myself and manifest a change that others, even the closest of my friends, would be surprised to discover.
If only to re-live the wonders that come with them.
If only to free some clutter in my life to make room for another someone.
If only to shine anew for those that have already gone by.
Yes, Makati is different during the weekends. And I like it.
1 August 2008
Grrr. I have had it with government bureaucracy. Today, I headed to a government office to clarify some registration requirements provided for in the Philippine Mining Act of 1995. Naturally, I proceeded to the Office of Legal Affairs to talk to a lawyer who, presumably, should know the requirements of their office.
But no (u-huh, and you see this coming), all she did was refer me to another agency and blamed them for coming up with a "vague" implementing rules and regulations (IRR). Hello! The hell about the IRR; the law specifically points to her office for a certification that is a requirement. Why the freaking hell doesn't she know about it? And worse, couldn't the lawyer and her office staff be bothered to check the law, which, by her admission, is so vague even she couldn't decipher what it means? Couldn't she spare a minute or so to call her counterpart in that other agency, and discuss the law which causes confusion? Isn't that supposed to be her job?
But more than this, if the lawyer in that agency didn't know about it, how should any company looking to invest in the Philippines know about it? It's bad enough that there are so many requirements that need be submitted; but for the government agencies not to know about them? I don't think it's acceptable.
Not by a long mile.
No wonder foreign investors don't favor the Philippines. Argh.
P.S.
Makmak, yes, I have seen that you tagged me. I promise to make my entry as soon as I can, hehe. ;p
It's 9:30, Sunday evening, and I find that I have nothing to do. Well, not really, I have to review a case first thing tomorrow and it would be helpful if I start some reading now. But somehow, I find this time not right for that. Instead, I feel gravitated towards my macbook, to bask my eyes in the glaring radiation only to surf the net (as if my eyes haven't been stressed enough by the regular exposure to it during work days, argh).
I suppose after everything, after all that keeps me busy nowadays, it is still the net that I turn to during these times when I have nothing else to keep me busy with. Others turn to TVs, DVDs, or MP3s. I, however, like many others, turn to the comfort of the net. And when this happens, of course, I blog. Even if I have nothing good to write about. Even if no good insight really comes from my mind.
Like now.
I just want the pressure off. I just want some avenue to release some leaking creative juice. I just want to type away even if I have nothing to say.
Weird, huh?
Cross Post from my Multiply site...
I haven't been blogging here lately (yes, I do have another blog, hehe), and just now, I started to wonder what my contacts have been thinking regarding it. Perhaps some have thought that I have lost the touch. Perhaps others that I have been dry creatively. That's true. I haven't been in touch with my creative writing skills lately and yes my creative juices haven't been flowing the same way. But this is only because I have started working again few weeks ago. And I have been consistently tired, physically and mentally, since.
But, mind you, I am not complaining. I'm discovering this whole new practice that I didn't think would be fun at the onset. How glad am I that my misconceptions are proven, well, wrong. I hope this fascination of mine in this field continues, such that I would want to be an expert on it in the future. Nothing drives me well enough than the desire to know everything that I can on something that I am totally interested in.
And this, I think, is the start of it all. I hope I'd have enough courage to see it through 'til the end.
